Thank you all very much for the responses :)

@B143C - Christianity or God isn't really my way of life, I have turned at times in that direction and it never worked for me, I really have a lot of trouble believing it too.

@gardenandcats - I could always ask my GP (for another $30 visit :/) to recommend me back to the waitemata mental health center in town, but honestly, if they asked how they could help me I wouldn't know what to say. They wont just give me different medication, they seem REALLY uptight about that and I'm not really certain why. I was with them before and honestly besides helping out my RL situation they couldn't do anything for the illness itself.

@tsohl - Thanks for the advice :) I remember ages ago at an appointment the possibility of schizophrenia was briefly brought up, but nothing past that. I'm looking up symptoms and causes right now.

[quote]More serious symptoms emerge as the illness progresses, including nonsensical statements and unusual perceptions of common experience. People suffering from acute schizophrenia may quickly change from topic to topic with no relation to each other, or make up completely new words or sounds.

I do have perceptions of things I wouldn't share, and I don't really know where I got them from, but I'm sure everyone is like that in some aspect... I don't make up new words or sounds, I'm not sure if I change from topic to topic and I assume I wouldn't notice that.

[quote]People suffering from schizophrenia often believe that someone is spying on them, or that someone can "hear" their thoughts.

I have had this to some degree, but I also know that it is impossible so I can safely tell myself they can't. But it's still there nevertheless.

[quote]The research so far supports the conclusion that people inherit a genetic vulnerability to schizophrenia, which can be brought on by outside events such as a viral infection that changes the body's chemistry, a highly stressful situation in adult life, or a combination of each.

My mother has schizophrenia (I don't really know her). And my entire life has been "highly stressful" (probably an understatement) and truthfully it doesn't get better.

[quote]Like many genetically related illnesses, schizophrenia appears when the body is undergoing the hormonal and physical changes of adolescence.

It got far worse when I was around 14-15.

[quote]Also, like other autoimmune diseases, it fluctuates through remission and relapse, and it appears more commonly in families where it has already been diagnosed.

I'm not too sure about this, but when I wake up I feel fine, as it gets later I get much, much worse.

[quote]Finally, a home or social environment marked with emotional or physical abuse and severe poverty may play a role in the onset of schizophrenia, but only in those with genetic vulnerability.

I'm not too sure about this either, but it was me, my brother, two sisters with my father who couldn't control his temper and I'm sure that'd account as verbal/emotional abuse (he didn't intend it)... and poverty? I'm not exactly a starving refugee, but never had money.

[quote]
Psychiatrists also believe these stress factors can often be offset with "protective factors." That's when the person with schizophrenia receives proper medication, and finds help in building a stable network of family and friends, can live with some degree of independence, and can maintain steady and satisfying employment.

I don't get proper medication, I really don't have friends and as for my family, well, let's not go there... and I can't maintain a 1 hour per week job as I found. Really not sure what to make of ANY of this and I'm not one to go ahead and diagnose myself for obvious reasons.

I don't think I can go to my doctor and ask him for Zyprexa or something, and I can't afford to have him diagnose me - and I have a feeling he's not very good :/