9 months ago I checked into a clinic for alcohol abuse. At the time they took my Ativan and made me cold turkey it. A total nightmare. I can't even do it justice in words. Coming out of the hospital they had me on depakote, zyprexa, and lexapro. Well, I HATED being on these meds. They just made me feel like a zombie. Seeing a shrink only resulted in trials of different doses or meds. I saw my GP who is a good friend and knows me better than anyone has taken me off all the meds and started up Ativan again. The thought was to stabilize me and eventually take me off Ativan very slowly this time. Well, I went off the zyprexa and that was difficult for about a week. I am on day 16 of Lexapro withdrawal. I have had the bouts of flu-like symptoms and nausea, but they seemed to have passed. Now it is mostly lightheadedness. Well, the problem is that about 2 days ago I started having all these awful thoughts that I was never gonna get better. My worst fear is being deemed depressed and put back on the meds. I know I just gotta get though my anxiety. THat is what is tied into everything. Anyways, these thoughts and fears are now consuming me. Will I ever get better? Is this normal? Will I ever feel normal again? Now part of this is withdrawal and I know I may be making it worse with all these thoughts, but it is so hard not knowing. How long can SSRI withdrawals last? Is what I am feeling normal for these circumstances? If it is I just gotta fight through it until I do feel normal. Complicating it is it is difficult for me to get a doctor to prescribe a benzo for my anxiety given my background, but they have worked in the past without abusing them and I refuse to go back on antidepressants or antipsychotics.Anyways, any thoughts and experiences would be much appreciated.