I'm hoping for some help, advice, words of wisdom, encouragement, whatever.

I had a close to 30 a day Norco habit for 4 years. Well, of course not 40 a day for the whole 4 years, but you know...started taking them as directed, but loved them immediately. I knew I would. I had major surgery 10 years ago and was prescribed Vic's and they didn't do anything for me then. In fact, I remember just wanting to get rid of all meds. Then, in '99 had wisdom teeth surgery and was prescribed Percs. I loved them, took as directed, had some left over and would take 1 if I needed a lift at night since my oldest child was just a baby then. After a while I didn't want them anymore, gave some to a coworker and tossed the rest. However, my friend and I at work would always take a ton of different cold/flu medicines just to feel a little different. I never once thought about painkillers during that time. I had been on antidepressants since my son was born and needed just to feel different. Both my mother and father have had problems with alcohol, but I noticed my worst vices were spending and eating. I hate alcohol, drinking, it makes me physically sick, so I was always proud of myself for not falling into that trap.

Well, in the Fall of '02, I injured my back. I remember being excited about getting prescribed Hydro. I loved that euphoric, high feeling. I took it off and on until that next Spring when the pain wouldn't go away and i was sent to a PM. He royally screwed me up. He put me on the Duragesic Patch, Methodone, then Oxy (the delayed release kind). All in one week because each wouldn't agree with me. I got severely constipated and had to spend several days in the ER. He put me back on Norco.

Then, I switched to an Ortho Surgeon and he kept me on the Hydro's. 5 a day. By Thanksgiving of '04, I used my first OP to suplement since I was running out early. I knew I was hooked.

I started gaining weight from just sitting there all day taking pills. They were like my best friend. NOTHING got done around the house. I'm a stay at home mom to 2 little ones. I soon added a second OP. I knew better, liver disease runs bad in my family. I was always sweating from the pills, had mood swings... you all know.

Luckily, I had Ultracet as a second prescription to combat the serious withdrawls each week. But I'd still feel like crap, dirreah, feel depressed, no energy. I couldn't do anything for 2 days until my new prescription showed up. Each week.

By these last few months I was up to 4 OP's and my doctor's script. 120ct each. And I'd STILL have several days of w/d's. I was started to have bad health. I couldn't breathe when I'd take them, my chest would be tight. My hair was falling out in clumps. I had a bleeding ulcer. And I still hadn't told anyone-not even my husband. Everytime I'd go through w/d's, I would think this is it. I don't want to do this anymore. But, then it was like Christmas when the FedEx guy would show up and it would all go away. I also hated hiding the credit card bills from my husband. We were getting in debt and he had no idea why.

The last few weeks were the worst. I was feeling just as crappy on them as I was off. My ulcer was acting up bad. I told myself I wanted to see my kids grow up. How could I act so immature at 33?

Monday I ran out and couldn't get any kind of refill until Saturday. It's one of those things that you know you're supposed to give it up. But until you are really ready, you can't. I was like that until Monday. Tuesday was his birthday and I didn't want to tell him I "don't feel good" again for no reason on his birthday. I always thought about the day, but never thought I'd do it. I told him. I cried and cried. He was so good and told me he'd do whatever he could do get me through this.

I knew the w/d wouldn't be rough because I still had Ultracet. Which I know alot of people have Ultracet issues, but I don't. I also have valium to help me sleep, but again, don't abuse that. I've even been on Ritalin and didn't become addicted to that. It's only Hydro. I have Restless Leg anyway without the addiction, so when I'm going through w/d's it is BAD. Tuesday night I had it so bad, I kept taking Ultracet to make it go away. I lost count of how many I took. It finally did. Other than that, I don't crave Ultracet at all. I realized this morning I was out of Ultracet and called to get my refill and it's too early. I remembered I had some Darvocet in my cabinet, and again, have no problem with that. I just want something to keep the w/d's at bay. I have 2 Darvocets left, I don't want them, I just want to keep them in case RLS creeps up again tonight.

The cravings aren't as bad as I was expecting, or have experienced in the past. I know others have tried Suboxone and N/A meetings. I don't know if I'm being stupid, but I don't want to do that. I want to kick this and don't want anything else around to remind me of it. I'm afraid if I go to meetings, I'll constantly be thinking about it. I just want to close this chapter in my life. I even turn my head when driving past CVS or Walgreens. I figured in a way, God was telling me it's over when I barely got my refill from my doctor last time, and 3 out of 4 of my OP's, my refills were up.

Now I'm wondering if I'm going to go into full blown withdrawls without Ultracet? I haven't had any since last night, and only about 4 Darvocets today and actually feel ok. Which I know is ok, because when you're taking 8 Hydro's in one sitting about every hour and start to feel w/d's after about an hour, you know your addicted. If I do go through full blown w/d's, I'm prepared. That way I don't even have to worry about weaning down from the Ultracets later. I'm just trying to do this as easy as possible.

When will this depression lift? I'm so used to sitting around each morning, popping pills, playing around on the computer. Now I feel like I don't want to do anything but just stare out the window in the morning. I still feel a little weak to do much. I want this whole thing to be over with and I curse the day I ever took those pills.

Anybody getting clean this week? Any words of encouragement? I'm looking forward to having people to talk to while going through this.

Thanks for listening.

I am sorry you are going through so much. I have been there, not as bad as you, but I definetly could be there one day. I would say you are probably getting over the worst by now and the Ultracet/Darvon are not affecting you as I did this before and about the 4th day I felt fine. I took Darvon on my second day and I was still crying and literally beating my steering wheel up I was so mad at me. I did stay off the drugs for like 8 days (Big deal to me) and I had Darvon the whole time. You will be fine, the best thing is to pray you had those side meds to help you through the worst and don't look back. Don't get more drugs if you do go with the darvon or ultracet, but honestly I HEAR the Ultracet are worse to w/d from so PLEASE be carefull, we will always be here for you regardless, but dont fail! BE A WINNER AGAINST THE WHITE DEVIL :wave: :angel:

Quote from Iwant2quit:

I am sorry you are going through so much. I have been there, not as bad as you, but I definetly could be there one day. I would say you are probably getting over the worst by now and the Ultracet/Darvon are not affecting you as I did this before and about the 4th day I felt fine. I took Darvon on my second day and I was still crying and literally beating my steering wheel up I was so mad at me. I did stay off the drugs for like 8 days (Big deal to me) and I had Darvon the whole time. You will be fine, the best thing is to pray you had those side meds to help you through the worst and don't look back. Don't get more drugs if you do go with the darvon or ultracet, but honestly I HEAR the Ultracet are worse to w/d from so PLEASE be carefull, we will always be here for you regardless, but dont fail! BE A WINNER AGAINST THE WHITE DEVIL :wave: :angel:

Thank you so much for your support Iwant2quit. Thank you for responding to me.

It's hard, too, when you have kids. Trying to do everything you have to do as a mom and while feeling like junk. And on Fridays, I babysit a little boy and his mom wants me to watch the sister, too. Of course she has no idea what's going on. So I'm a little nervous about today.

I tried this morning to retry my refill for Ultracet and it went through. I have heard that the w/d's are worse. But I can get by with just a few a day and be fine, I feel no addiction to them at all. I don't even like the damn things.

I'm so glad to hear you've done the same thing before w/help during the worst time and felt ok. Thank you so much for sharing that with me!

It's so weird, I think Valium is making my Restless Leg worse! I didn't have it last night, but couldn't sleep. So I took 2, which will always knock me out, but I notice everytime I do that, the RLS will start. Isn't that weird?

Today, I'm going to have to be extra strong. It's when I would be able to order a consult from one of my OP's and be able to get my order tommorow. My husband has to work all weekend, then leave Monday morning to go out of town for 4 days. Normally, this would be optimum time for me to order those pills to "help" me through the week.

I just have to keep telling myself, "Be strong today...".

I wish you the best of luck also!

Buckeyetim, we must have been posting at the same time this morning! I didn't see your post until I checked back until now. So, thanks for writing!

First, congratulations on 4 months! Wow. I can't wait to be there. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. I ended up picking up the Ultracet from CVS to have for RLS. But, I'm trying to just go without it and I haven't had any today and feel ok. The most things I'm experiencing is boredom, depression, diarreah still, horrible back pain and a little bit of low energy. Each day tends to feel a bit better. It doesn't help that it's just blah today. Overcast. I don't ever, ever want to go back to that. I owe it to myself, my kids and my husband.

Can you tell me more about Detox? Is it the same as Rehab?

I'll have to go back and read some of your posts. I think they'll be helpful.

BTW, my husband is a programmer, too. Thanks again!

Wow Debbie! Are we kindred spirits? :angel:

Congrats for being clean for over a week! I'm so happy for you. Do you still have any in your home? I can imagine that would be hard to steer clear if they are around. I know I'm out-and I'm glad!

I had to pick up a prescription this morning for Darvocet. Like I said, I've been using a little of that and a little of Ultracet to get me through the few days. Normally it does nothing for me. Well, I started to get a buzz. So I went for 2 more. I can feel the effects, but you know what? The so called "buzz" is making me nauseous and reminding me what I don't want to go back to. So I put them up. I have no desire to ever take another one. I'm lucky, the Ultracet doesn't do that to me either. I'll just keep them to help with the w/d's and when I have real pain (my back, endometriosis and migraines). I just want this Darvocet to wear off, I don't like this at all. I guess people get different highs from different things like Hydro, Darvocet, Ultracet, Alcohol, Valium, Ritalin. What's funny is I HATE the feeling on anything except Hydro. I've been using the Valium to help me sleep at night, but I started to get anxiety yesterday and had to take the Valium and again, hated the feeling.

I also had to go to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up my Ultracet and my son's lotion for eczema. I felt like telling them, "I won't be picking up Hydro anymore!!" But, I didn't.

Kudos to you for doing it while being a single mom! How old is your daughter? My sons are 5 and 8. It would be so nice to be able to talk off the boards, but I know we can't do that. How long were you on the pills?

I'm so sorry you lost your job. Have you found another one? Also, do you think the pill use caused your ulcer? I've always had stomach issues and take LOADS of Ibuprofen for pain, so that didn't help. Is Prilosec good? I'm on Protonix. The last few weeks I was on painpills, my ulcer was getting bad, I was so nauseated all the time. Now that I've stopped, it's not so bad.

I've been through full on w/d's (with no help of Ultracet) a few times before and it is HORRIBLE. It is just like the flu. I'm glad you told me the fog has lifted. I've been on and off today. We are having horrible overcast weather here in Texas and it's just doing a number on my mood. I did some crying today. I just keep telling myself, this will be the last withdrawl I'll ever have to go through.

Debbie, why don't we be eachother's support? Since we're around the same amount of time from our last pill. It helps to talk to another mom, too. Each day I slowly feel less and less like I want a pill.

I'll be here for you. If you feel like you're going to relapse, post me a message on the board, we can talk. I'll do the same.

And Buckeyetim, thanks again for all your advice. I took it to heart. I think walks are my next step. I just keep telling myself it's time to quit acting like a coward when it comes to life. When things out of our control happen, or stress, I need to learn how to deal with it and chalk it up to life experiences. Stop trying to hide with pills. I'm an adult, I don't need to be doing this.

Thanks again everyone for the wonderful support!

Renee

Now I'M trying hard. I got an email from one of my OP's saying I have a refill due tommorow. I thought I was all out of refills. I emailed back to ask if I have a refill, or need a new consult? No, I have a refill. I am so tempted. I keep thinking, I'll just have 1 in the morning because the back pain IS still real bad. But I know I can't do that. And even after 1 bottle, I'll still go through w/d's again. I keep telling myelf NOT to order it. I need the strength. If you stay straight Debbie, I will too. Let's 'talk', ok?

We do need to do this for our kids. You are a GREAT mom to your little girl. It takes a toll on the way we think of our parenting skills, huh? I started when my youngest was 1, he's now 5 and I keep thinking I missed his whole time at home before he goes to Kinder being on these things. In and out of feeling ill-either with pills (being lazy) or without (withdrawls). Your daughter is so lucky to have you, I'm so sorry her dad (I first accidently typed 'dog' instead of 'dad', ironic, huh?) is such scum.

You mentioned praying you'll wake up in the morning. I did that every night. You know how many times I went to bed hoping and praying I'd wake up. It was almost as if I expected if I might not.

Don't worry about the smoking. One thing at a time. I need to lose all this weight I put on while on the pills, but I'm going to wait until I'm better from this addiction.

Are you going to be finding a new job? Are you just at this job until something better comes up? I'm sorry, I know how it is when a job sucks.

Last Monday was the last time I took pills. So Tuesday the 10th (my husband's birthday!) was my first day without any pills.

Isn't it funny (well, not funny...) our preference for only 1 kind of pill? I really hate drinking, it makes me ill. Some people have mentioned that maybe I'm allergic to alcohol? I never get drunk or buzzed, I just feel sick, headache, stomach ache, I started getting hot and sweating, nauseous. I guess that's good because both my parents have/had problems with alcohol. I've also been prescribed Soma, Ritalin, Adderall (for alertness), Valium, Xanax, Ativan (couldn't find one that worked), delayed release Oxy (gave me insomnia and impacted bowels and trip to the ER), Darvocet and Ultracet (works ok, but makes me nauseous). various antidepressants and muscle relaxers-I've had it all. But nothing beats a Vicodin.

I gotta go, but your post reminded me of something else. When I'm hopped up on pills, I would stay up LATE. Just fiddling around on the internet. Several times I would stay up all night. It was normal for me to get 3 hours of sleep a night. Isn't it funny how it does that to us?

Well, write in when you get home and contact me and let me know how you're doing today!

Hugs to you!
Renee

Nae Nae as long as your on the ultracet your not clean, you know that right? and the darvocet to. the ultracet really does take your W/D'S away you shouldn't feel to sick, you will feel some of it but nothing like if you went cold turkey. I know Tim thinks Rehab would be a good choice for you but I think if you can get on Suboxone from a Dr than you shouldn't need a rehab facilty. They will give you the same medication in there and charge you a lot more money, but I am sure they offer counseling and support but you can go to an NA meeting for free...have you looked into the Sub route? I just think your habit is to big to go cold turkey and not every one can afford or take the time to go into detox/rehab.. they can cost a HUGE amount of money.

This sounds like a better thing for you to do. go to there web site and find a Dr in your area that can prescribe it for you. have you looked into it yet??

I Am just worried your substiting one drug for another. The ultracet will just prolong your W/D'S and than once your out of those, your even worse off than before, because those are supposed to be harder to kick than hydro.

I still think Debbie should try it to, as I see her struggeling the same way you are. If there is a pill that can help you why not try it? You could also try methadone and get that from the meth clinic. That is another idea I have for you... have you tried NA Meetings? you could probably really use the support as well.

good luck to you both!

SS

Thank you SS.

Actually, I'm not on the Ultracet anymore. I wrote about the Darvocet and taking it the other day and I couldn't stand it. It made me nauseous. So I just put it away. I took 2 Ultracet yesterday (I'm prescribed to take 2 at a time, so it was at the same time) because I was feeling dizzy and thought that's maybe what I needed. Didn't help so that was the last I had of that. So it did help me get over the major w/d's the first few days and now I'm done.

Ultracet or not, I do consider myself clean from Hydrocodone. Day 7 today. I haven't taken anything today except Ibuprofen and my normal meds (antidepressants and ulcer med) and feel the exact same as yesterday-except for the mental ups and downs. Which happened yesterday, too. So, Ultracet is done.

I think my biggest depression is the rut of staying home (which was funny because 6 years ago I was depressed because I had to leave my baby to go to work!) and today was one of those days. It was dreary outside. My husband left this morning. None of my friends were at home to call (not that they know what's going on, but just to have someone to talk to or have coffee with). Tommorow is a new day. The sun came out and I'm starting to feel better. I told my boys I'm taking them out for pizza tonight to get me out of the house.

If for some reason I relapse again (which I pray I don't...I've got that mental strength back now), I'll look into the sub. Right now, I just want to get past the point where I don't have mental cravings at times (and it's not constant) and be done with this, close this chapter of my life.

But thank you for your suggestions. I'll let you know if I change my mind!