my name is Michael, i recently just relapsed after 6 months clean, i had my life back together, went back to college and everyone was proud of me, im almost 21, and was doing well in school, over the summer break i picked back up the evil opiates (heroin and oxy's) and am really struggling now stopping, im back in classes and trying to quit this **** again, it DEF does get harder to quit each and everytime i go back out... and gets worse... i suffer from depression and anxiety.. and have for awhile, one of the main feelings i wanted to escape from.. and also mayb bipolar.. but im not sure about that, i have been diagnosed with that but who really knows... my therapist says we should focus more on the depression part bc he sees that in me more and plus that runs in my whole family on moms side...,
i take trazodone 50mg at night, its an old anti-depressant, but at low dosages it works as a sleep aid.. so really the anti-depressant part isnt working bc of the low dosage im on... and i do not want to go up on that.. i can hardly even wake up in the morning bc it makes me so tired in the morning.. and my eyes are like hardly open when im driving bc i can still feel the effects from it, i seriously feel retarded on it (started 6 months ago)and thats it... for awhile it was doing fine, works great for sleep, but i have a lot of mood swings, but ive always had that.. but i was still depressed sometimes in my recovery and lack of motivation at times...
well now my doctor wants me to go on 10mg of LEXAPRO and just half of trazodone, and eventually taper off of it... i have been on lexapro before, but its been awhileee, so i kinda forget.. i want to get off trazodone, the only thing i like about it is that i sleep easy!, i have a lot of sleep problems, and have forawhile, RACING THOUGHTS / ANXIOUS.. ect. and it makes my stomach hurt and my head feels weird in the morning, its like im ****ed up or something...
im detoxing with SUBOXONE... hoping that it goes well.... it just sucks that i have to go through this all again.. i gotta get clean and continue school at the same time, and work for my car payment.,
after everyone was so proud of me and stuff... i feel worthless!
i am so dissapointed in myself and ashamed at the horrible choice i made again.. i cant believe im back here again... things were so GREAT... now everything sucks and i just wanna die, i cant take this, i cannot get over the fact that i ****ed up again :(. whats wrong with me? WHY ME GOD?? :(. i just wanna be HAPPY and normal..
and also... i drink coffie almost everymorning i try.. and i was wondering if anyone ever had an effect from caffiene effecting their depression.. bc its like sometimes ill drink some coffie or iced coffie and ill feel pretty good and happy.. and then its like i crash and i feel even worse! and real depressed and of course tired.. this doesnt happen all the time.. but i have noticed it alot of times effecting my moods/depression..

anyone please give me hope and feedbackk, support. thanks!