16th January 2004
Quote from kindaunwell:Hi Ya, yinksy
I understand what you are saying, and why you are saying it.......
And I still remember how good I felt (Not that long ago) when I was totally drug-free, except for the Celexa. And sometimes I know I can be very stubborn (Irish!!) and stupid (Irish,again!!!). Believe me, I hear it almost everyday, from my wife too, about taking the Ativan! But she just says for me to lie down next to her, close my eyes, and sleep will come to me. That was the way it use to be...... Even when I was on the opiates and other things, that was the way I could fall asleep. She just doesn't understand (Do You ???) that this time its just different than before. I just can't stand it (Mentally) when I have to wait 30 something hours, before I can get just a few hours sleep, and then it begins all over again!!! I really do hate this cycle----- and I really do hate having to take pills, that sometimes still can't defeat this insomnia. Thats when I rebert back to my old self and just start over-medicating until I finally do defeat it. Then I feel guilty and ashamed whenever I wake up....
Its not like I am doubting what you say. I agree with you. But it feels like I am back on drugs again, and I have to 'cold-turkey" again. I am soo sick of it all, and I just want to sleep, and get my mind together again... I "napped" earlier (without) any pills, when my wife and I were sitting on the couch, watching T.V., I slowly laid my head in her lap, and she started to run her fingers through my hair. Just like a shaggy dog, it felt soo pleasant, I drifted off to sleep. But when she had to get up to get ready for bed, and I was disturbed, my brain just clicked on again, and now I am wide awake, and its going on 1:00 AM!!! Theres no way I am going back to sleep again, unless I take 2 or 3 Ativan... The cycle begins again!!! So you see, I understand what you say to me, But I just can't seem to stop it, or get control of it. Do you understand what I am triing to tell ya, yinksy. And I get so mad at myself because its soo frustrating.....
Boy, I guess I lost my sense of humor this morning. Sorry!!! But I still talk alot, don't I (???).
But I do so much appreciate your posts to me. Sometimes they make me smile, and makes me think about some fun times from my past.... But sometimes I know I need A good "Hollering-at". Although I'll only take it from someone who understands what I feel like (Like You). and maybe some other people I've come to respect on this Board....
Anyway, you are probably sleeping now, so I'll go for now, and see if I can find anyone else to talk to.
Sweet Dreams,me Lass
(Just Me) Kinda-unwell
OK, just me kinda unwell!
I reckoned it was worth having a pot shot at you! Was pretty sure it wouldnt work - cos it wouldnt work on me either!
Well, Thomas - are you ever going to believe me?
Mmmmmmmm? - probably not!
Och - of course I understand your position - maybe even more than you might imagine. I suspect too that we might be ages with one another! So - that's two mouldies, then?
What you describe to me - was exactly as I felt (especially this time around) - and not very long ago either! Its a real brute? This "insomnia". My husband cannot understand at all -he says its "murder polis" being in bed with a fidget! Why cant I just lie still - and I am sure to fall asleep. Nope - you just cannot explain it to a normal person! And yes - like you - I too would just take a handful of ativan - why take one when you can take 6? That's me to a t!
And yes - it is a dark place to be and deeply distressing? Depressing too - there just never seems to be a way to break the cycle?
I think I just got lucky. At some point I had just had enough and was willing just to throw in the towel. I simply couldnt take it any longer. I felt utterly hopeless and desperate. So - there I was - stuck on opiates and benzos - what a mess!
My doc advised I just chuck the pain killers and start on a benzo taper. Ha ha ha? If only it were that easy? So - believe it or not - I tapered off benzos over 7/8 months - feeling pretty bad the whole time - and yet clung onto my pain killers. Irish really? Benzos are highly highly addictive and yet I could give them up before I was willing to part with my codeine? Doesnt make any logical sense at all! So - having got off benzos - last autumn - I continued on my merry way with pills! No sweat - I could chuck it any time! Huh! Well - led me to the place where I started to take ativan again - and that was so unnacceptable to my frazzled wee brain that I decided - enough. So - here I am - not very long off all the chemicals - daring to tell you what to do? If I were you I would tell me to take a running jump!
All I can say is that I had to take an almighty leap of faith (should be easy enough for a born and bred Irishman! LOL) - and just believe that my body would cope. And - I think that is what I have done. Day after bloomin relentless day I suffered the horrors of opiate withdrawal and then all the garbage that follows on - the worst being the insomnia. So many people (including doctors) said to me to get along to the surgery and get something for sleep - OK - if I didnt want to go the way of benzos etc then I could get trazodone or remeron or god alone knows what else - to let me sleep. Oooo - I was so so so tempted. Indeed one afternoon - in sheer desperation - I phoned the surgery - but couldnt speak to the doctor at that precise moment. I hung up the phone and just collapsed! But - thank goodness! A few minutes later my resolve kicked back in (some people might suggest a spitirual moment?) - and I knew that way led down that deep dark tunnel again. I was done for if I did that - I was so sure - just the end of the road - I couldnt take it psychologically any more. Mentally - I was kicked into touch! Just the end. Chemicals cannot be the answer?
So - kinda - I stuck it out for another couple of weeks (was truly hellish - really really hellish - I aint pretending! just like you - totally unable to switch off) - but eventually sleep came - slowly - not in an "awakening" - scuse the pun - OUCH! But one night I slept for 3 hours - and then 5 etc. So - now back to 6 or 7 - which is just fine. I no longer worry about sleep - if it doesnt happen - it doesnt happen - big deal - I know now for a fact it will come again.
So - I am sorry for being so pedantic - didnt mean to be - but I so know where you are just now - and I so know where you could easily be in a week or two if you just believed in yourself and your ability to heal.
After all what is there to lose? You feel dreadful just now while taking ativan - you know you are back into a "drugs cycle" - you dont even sleep - you have really had enough? So - you have nothing to lose by trying? Chuck away all the pills and just get thro it on a daily basis? Dont look further ahead than a few hours. Just cope. Some things just have to be bourne?
I was fortunate too in that I realised how bad ativan made me feel - the morning after taking ativan I always felt rotten. OK - mug of coffee and I was up and away ......... but not really feeling that wonderful natural well-slept kind of thing at all. I see people in here saying how well they feel in the mornings after taking xanax, klonopin, ativan and the rest - and frankly, my dear, I dont believe it for a second. Perhaps they have convinced themselves that they feel fine - but they must really have forgotten what it genuinely feels like to be drug free and well slept!!
I dont suppose I am conveying this very well - just wish I could wire you up to my skull so that you could see it all in 3D! Then, Thomas, you might well believe?
Hey - your wife sounds fab! What does she do at the university? Does she lecture? Subject?
Yep - I know - I am dead nosey!
We are 5 hours ahead of NY I think? So - when I come on of a morning at 9 or 10.00 - that will be 4 or 5.00 am for you - I will come and see if you are about? Hopefully though - it will all become for you a thing of the past. Already I feel I have lived through some sort of horrific dream! Bit - it wasnt a dream - was reality. Sheer hell. Unbelievable really.
Och - for sure - we must be stronger and better people for coming out the other end? Dont u think?
Sweet dreams!!!!!!!
yer lass!
X