as my nightmare continues...

I checked back into the hospital as I was in a world of hell, loss control over self harm and was just tired of it all. They try ECT agian but this time I stop breathing so that option is right gone, I came off of Wellbutrin, Remeron, Effexor within a ten day to week period to get ready for a new class of drug MAOI. I am also borderline which according to the doctor hinders any progress I make with the depression as my so called personality guards the gates too tightly. I want to get better and I need to get better but the system and my brain are making it very difficult. So now I am back home because I feel safer and hoping my anxiety rates will drop down as they were going through the roof. Now I am on a high dose of Seroquel a couple of times a day to slow down the voice in my head, my thought patterns and what have you until Nardil has a chance to jump in to make an effect. The nightmares are brutal, the flashbacks are intense and it seems everytime I turn around a new idea of suicide jumps into my head. Who the hell did I piss off in a past life to deserve this? It has to get better because I am way beyond as low as I can go. Everytime I think I am taking the right positive step it blows up in my face

trg247

There really is not much of an update. At the moment I am taking Seroquel three times a day at 100mg per dose plus an additional 50mg when needed. My depression ranges from being almost annoying to days when I spent all my time trying to combat the negative thoughts that are racing through my brain. The only positive thing is I have used my illness in a way that reaches out and helps people understand what it is like when your living with concurrent mental disorders.

One of the hardest parts of dealing with depression is there is no certainty in when it is going to finally go away, the medication is a crap shoot that may bring relief or it may cause more problems. Also the system that is in place in my country is not meant for people with my level of illness so I seem to spend a lot of time battling the health care system and trying to make sure i do not slide through the cracks.

I am not going to throw in the towel and just give up for I know the damage it will have on my sons life and for now that is the reason that will keep me going along with the hope that by somehow revealing my soul it will help someone else in their fight against mental illness.

take care
trg247