Please excuse the bad grammer or spelling. I dissapeared for awhile because I relapsed on pills- I have not checked in to see how all of you were doing- because I was too busy trying to get sober, trying to tapper- then failing miserably. I pushed my boyfriend of 3 years away so I could enjoy taking pills again After being away from him and taking 30 Ambien in 5 days did me in where called him up and boyame clean. I have given up, I want to laugh again - really hard. That deep down belly laugh. I only beat myself up with the pity party for a few days- maybe a week. Being in rehab for 30 days taught me if I ever relapsed- to get honest and then get over being sad with yourself. I called a medical doctor who is board cert. in the disease of addiction and because I am working full time, and cannot take ONE day off. Im doing an out- patient Suboxone tappering program. On Wednesday- Im stopping the vic's at 4:00pm, and should go into full withdrawls by midnight. I will work in the morning with chills, the runs, fever, pain all over, runny nose, achy body, huge pupils- I will go to the doctor 24 hours after I stopped taking the last vic. Then, they will take vital signs and drug test me. They will keep me in the office for 3 hours- give me Suboxone- and monitor to see what dosage I need. Over the course of the next weeks- they will tapper me down so that I can work and be a good mom. I have been through a Sub detox before- but in rehab I was on it for ONE WEEK- THAT IS IT! I was on 4 then 3 mg then 2 mg, then 1 mg then 1/2 and they stopped. I went through horrible w/d's. I don't know why I was even put on it since it was only a week. My current doctor said taking someone off of is that quick would not work. You would end up relapsing. Im irritable right now. Im just feeling yucky already. Ive been off the ambien for 6 days, and have not slept very much. My recovery doctor gave me seroquel, I took it for two days and it was the worst! I would stay up all night rather than feel like I felt on that stuff. It was horrible! It is sopossed to make you tired but me being the wonderful addict I am took it and waited around to feel the buzz. But it never happend and I just felt hung over the next day. I know they are going to give me the Clonidine patch and pills next week when I start detoxing.

I would love to know anyone's suggestions- and/ or reasons I should stay sober. I am tired of chasing the tiger- just to get bitten everytime. I want to stay sober. I want to start smiling like I used to when I was sober after I returned from rehab. I was such a great person with a happy additude and now Im withdrawn and my smile is fake. It is the worst!

If anyone has chossen the Sub route to get sober... let me know. If anyone has been happy joyous and free for a year or more.. please tell me how you did it.

If you work and have tappered and had to work through days of pain- tell me how you did it.

Please, Please - calling all of my ole' friends here on the Healthboard- Sara needs you!

I love you all and Im so sorry I have not been there for you in the past 6 months.

I really have been so upset with myself to even show my cyber face. If you have ever relapsed-you know what I mean.

Im feeling anxious about stopping the opiates. And to think it only took that one pill to get all of this started again.

Sincerely,

Sara

Kinda,
I miss all those people you brought up.. Dallas, Ellnyc, Lisahubb, and many others that helped me through getting sober the first time around. I did have the desire and will power to get me through the toughest time in my life. I still feel like a renagade gal with the disease of addiction. I pushed AA outta my life because I wanted to use again. I got sober the 1st time but did not want it bad enough. I think this was eneviable- and Ive grown so much in the past few months. I KNOW FOR SURE I cannot handle taking meds like the label reads. I take meds to heal my pain, to zone out so I can relax- to feel the high so that my emotions don't get out of control. It's all a facade. It does not exist when Im on pills. I laughed soooooo hard when I finally got sober.. within 30 days I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. It's been a long time since Ive smiled now. And when I do smile or laugh- its not genuine. Its fake and I can't feel anymore. It's the worst.

BB- I know AA- I was in it for over a year. I went 4 times a week, sometimes twice a day. I had a ton of friends in AA, a sponsor. But it did not work because somewhere in there I decided I was better than that.. I did not NEED AA- that all of those people were more messed up than me. I was setting myself up so I could relapse. I stopped calling my sponsor- I stopped doing the work. (Oh my gosh! I just realized I have to do another 4th step!) That is the pits! I keep praying that God will take this disease away from me. It's not happening. Its not going to happen. I was listening to a talk show on the radio and someone said you will continue going through things that lead you to lean on God until you do. I believe that I need to help other people like me- that is why Im on this earth- to help others. How can I help others when Im on pills? I can't.

Heres the plan: My doctor will not keep me on a low dosage of Sub. I signed a contract this past Saturday. If the doctor calls me in to do a pill check and I took too many- Im out of the program. If I get called in to do a drug test and I dont pass.. Im out of the program. This 4 to 6 week tappering on sub is only so that I can work while Im detoxing. I do have chronic back pain- siaitica (I spelled that wrong), and I do need ongoing help with my pain. The office Im going to- to do the tappering offers classes that help you with the pain- its called mindfulness. They teach you to be aware that your pain is there-and to do things to lesson the pain with your diet, your mind, and your just being aware of the things that you know make your back pain worse. Their idea that they live by is addicts cannot take anything that will trigger your disease- and taking bupern. or sub it highly adictive- it is a form of opiate- and they want you to tapper slowly so that your brain does not tell your body you are dying- and you will somehow trick your brain and tappering will slowly tell your brain to make more endorphines so you can take your body back to the state it was in before you ever took it.

I know Im a such a nicer person off of opiates. Ive never known anyone to be totally relaxed and in a good state of mind on hydrocodone- everyone I have seen on it is uptight, nervous, not smiling, and know eventually the temporary feel-good will be over soon- and the only thing we end up doing is taking the stuff so we wont feel the horrible yucky pain of withdrawls.

I really need you guys to support me. Really need your words. Give me anything. I need your support. I will be taking my last vicodin at 4pm on Wednesday. By 10pm that night I will be in withdrawls. I was given Seroquel 25 mg to sleep on if I needed to. I CANT TAKE SEROQUEL. It makes me feel worse than ever. You know the way we do it... if you are anything like me.. you take the sleep med and dont go to bed right away.. I stay up to feel the high. Then take another, then another until I can't keep my head up- then I will go to bed. That is what I really want to do when I start to withdrawl but like I said.. If I did that- and they drug test me.. Im in trouble because they will drop me from the program and I will be detoxing with a great job to go to, two beautiful kids, and a boyfriend I have been dating for 3 year whom I love very much. I can't fail I have to be like that renegade girl I was telling you about. I have to feel support so I can w/d all night, go to work the next morning- (that would be around 15 hours and I will be detoxing like a big dog!) So here I am at work on Thursday- in my chair- with the runs, and freezing cold- and hot and cold and head on fire, and achy all over- and cramping. Oh my gosh, the KICKS ohhhh I forgot about those wonderful KICKS ! At 3:30 pm on Thursday - I am driving to the doctors where they will do a physical and give me probably a 4 mg sub. Then hopefully another 4 mg sub. then I will go home and one more day- on Friday - to work. Then I go back to the doctor on Friday to get my Rx of Sub. My doctor will not do a detox on a friday- Thursday is the last day of the week they will administer sub to you. So I have to do it this way.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do in the next couple of days to prepare? Does anyone know if there is somethning over the counter that will help me sleep but will not give me a hangover the next day? I know Im in for a rough ride. Its so easy to just refill that bottle of hydros. But Im so tired of chasing the w/d's. Im so tired of being chainned to a drug. Im tired of them being my means to an end. Pills have had my mind, body, and soul for all of my adult life. I laughed so hard when I was just two months sober. I want to laugh instead of sitting at the drive thru ant the pharmacy- I want to kiss my kids first thing in the morning- and not run to take a hydro so the chills will stop (yes, if I sleep for 8 hours- THE WITHDRAWLS ALREADY START! Im a total whimp. My body is that sensitive. Boy, Im gonna be in pain. And Im really scared and crying right now. Im really scared!!!!!!I also want to be able to go to the bathroom instead of taking stool softeners. You know what I mean so dont think that is yucky. I mean it is yucky but its what happens to people who take hydro... your sex life decreases, you cant go to the bathroom, and you eventually stop smiling.

Yep. Im scared. Please, calling all addicts and alcoholics- recovering or not... I need your support. Please give me feedback. Please help. I read the withdrawl items someone wrote and it helped but none of the stuff it said to do.. I can do at work except put a blanket over my legs and od on immodium ad and tylenol. Why why why why- Its insainity to know I really thought I could take just one this last time. What was I thinking? I forgot to tell you this: after I relapsed about 6 months ago- I took the opitaes- tried to tapper off myself- yea right, and I couldnt so I took tramodol, when I tried tappering off the tramodol, I took opiates! It was crazy! Then, I was taking a ton of ambien to feel relaxed when I was on the vics! It's insainity at it's best!

I want off this ride.Any suggestions? I am open to anything! Thanks so much, and I love you guys. I have to stick with this board. I appreciate you and need you.

I need hugs and some serious coming together of people and support,

Sara

Hellooooo Sara,

I'm so happy to see you here. I still think of you when I go to the Friday night meeting at...St Mark's on San Filipe. I miss you. Hopefully one day soon we will run into each other at a meeting.

I'm sad to hear of your relapse but I'm glad to hear you are now ready to get sober once again. I know it's painful to talk about your relapse and I admire your courage. It takes a lot of courage to come back. You are a good person, a sick one right now but a very kind soul. You (we) never know how much we help others by sharing our secrets. Thank you for that, you've helped me stay sober today. I see others on this thread too that have been helped.

I don't have any personal exp with Sub and honestly have conflicted feelings about it. I try to keep an open mind about it. I don't think it would be the route for me even though I considered it a couple of years ago. I would rather get the wd over with and be done with it. No matter what you choose, I only wish the best for you.

How many vics are you taking per day? How long did you take the prescribed amount before adding one more? When you feel like talking about it, please do.

It sounds like you know without a doubt that you will never be able to handle and mood altering drugs...me either! I have a very long history with pills. I even stayed sober off of all drugs for 13 years. It took a while to talk myself into taking them...because I NEEDED them and I was NOT going to get hooked again...ever. Well, I did get hooked on them again and stayed that way off and on for almost 9 years. Sara, lots of us have relapsed, you are not alone.

So, are you going to call your sponsor? Start making meetings again...I'm sure they will love to see you and welcome you with open arms.

One thing I did for myself this last time was to enroll in an outpatient treatment program. This helped me be accountable and remember what it is i was trying to acheive. Of course meetings today are the single most important thing I do for my recovery. Just my ESH.

Oh, and one more thing regarding sleeping. I don't know of a safe drug for addicts to take to help us sleep. i know Seroquel and Trazadone are the choice of most drs nowadays as far as treating addicts for insomnia but, I don't know. I just don't have an off switch regarding pills. This year and a half I have had many sleepless nights and gone to work tired BUT it is much better now. I was also a longterm benzo user and I think my nervous system was completely out of whack. I'm afraid I wouldn't stay sober if I start trying to take pills like normal people do.

Sending prayers your way, Sara. Hang in there, you will make it. Keep reaching out and let others help back.

Patty