i was in the VA mental hospital 3 weeks ago because they thought i was a threat to society because i admitted having homocidal thoughts. So i faked taking the medication because it was worse than tripping on LSD. I told them i was fine and they discharged me from the hospital. But on my last day there, my christian aunt and uncle came to speak with me (i've been brought up in a christian home) and prayed with me and i accepted Jesus again. I am very familiar with the Truth. So i've been going to church fighting off this disgusting feeling of sin and really feeling God work in my life. Then i was starting to feel normal again (because i used to do a lot of drugs, especially psychedelics). I felt so good that when my friend called me and asked me if i wanted free Ultram (Tramadol, an opiate, which was last week) i immediately said yes even though i knew it was wrong, just because i remember how good it makes you feel and i look at it as recreation. Then once i took that i started taking it everyday yesterday, when i took 80mg of oxycontin (yesterday i also though i was gonna overdose but i survived). Today i did the same thing (80mg of oxycontin) and felt as if i was gonna overdose, but none of the symptoms i read online of "oxycontin overdose" applied to me. All it said online was everything slows down - heartrate, and you could slip into a coma. So now here i am tonight, worried about going to the VA hospital because i dont wanna get admitted and i still have to say to the psychiatrist that im taking my Risperdal (which im definately not). Tonight i think happend for a reason, i think this is my last chance with God. I know that through him i can get out of this addiction. I have 2 80mg oxycontin's left. I'm now debating on throwing them away and just going cold turkey, the only way i believe God would want me to do it if i dont want to get admitted to any hospital.

I didn't end up goin to the hospital, my brother just calmed me down and drove me around and gave me an Ativan (Lorazepam) which calmed me down. Also my freaking out about the heart could have been due to me drinking caffeine (i never drink caffeine) so that i wouldn't slip into a coma induced by the OxyContins. Anyways, got through that night! (By the way, just to let you know my age is 19)

I was prescribed Risperdal because i was dignosed with phychosis and schizophrenia. Psychosis for having homocidal thoughts constantly and schizo for hearing voices and seeing things. When I was in the Marine Corps i reported myself having these thoughts so i wouldn't harm anyone. They prescribed me Valium 5mg 3x/day and Risperdal 0.25mg 2x/day. That seemed to be working perfectly. Then i got a General discharge under honorable conditions on May 17, 2007, because they said the Corps does not allow this mental illness. So i come home, still taking my meds, startin smokin weed again and then went to the VA Hospital cuz i ran out of prescriptions. So they evaluate me cuz for some reason the only record i do not have of myself is my dignosis in Marine Corps which was Delusional Disorder and Schizotypal Disorder. I tell them i've had a few more thoughts of killing people since i ran out of meds, and instead of giving me my meds they hospitalize me. Now they wanna up my Risperdal and take away my Valium, which i remind you was working perfectly. They up the Risperdal from 0.25mg to 2mg and everytime i took it i felt like going insane. I couldn't think at all. I felt like a zombie on some bad acid. So i faked taking it the rest of the time there and then i get discharged telling them i feel fine. Also i accepted Jesus again (my aunt and uncle, who are Christians, came up the day before i got out and prayed with me) and felt a great peace. No more thoughts of homocide and no more voices, and i wasnt even on any meds at all. So i come home the next day feeling this great horror and unbelievable fear, which i thought was demonic influence. Then i read online that people taking Risperdal who suddenly stop at a dose such as 2mg have also felt this, so i thought it was just withdrawal from Risperdal. So 2 weeks later i really start feeling normal again, like i was 16 years old off drugs completely healthy, mentally and physically. I've been goin to church twice a week, really following devotions, reading the word, and really getting into God. Then a week later (last week), my friend calls and asks if i want free Ultram (Tramadol, it's a pain killer). And i felt so good that day that i felt that i could feel even better with Ultram because of the effects, even though i know its completely from evil. So i started taking it everyday up til 2 days ago, where i took a total of 80mg of OxyContin, and another 80mg yesterday. Now here i am today feeling well, asked for forgiveness last night after i flushed my last 2 Oxy's down the toilet.

P.S.
I just took 200mg of Ultram so i will not feel withdrawal, is that against God?