I took some restoril, went to bed at 10. I woke up at 11. I couldn't lay still more than three seconds. I put the covers on cause I was cold. I threw them off because I couldn't stand them touching me. Then put them back on. And off.

And I jerked around every three seconds. I got up. Laid down. Got up. Paced around. Laid down

Total fog head from the restoril but the jerking made it impossible to lay down.

I lasted one hour. Got some Lortabs and ate 4. I have no idea what equivalency of morphine this is. I was taking 200 mgs a day. It probably won't touch the symptoms. I ate another restoril and two Ambien.

And here I am, typing away. But not jerking. Unless I lay down.

I just couldn't deal with the jerks. Wish I had read this first and knew about the hot baths.

So how far have I set myself back? Please tell me it isn't to the beginning.

I wish I had saved some morphine to taper with at least.

OK, off to take a hot bath in the middle of the night.

Brenda1953

The Lortabs, the restoril and ambien and hot bath worked. I knocked myself out. I woke up this morning crying and have been crying now for two hours straight. So besides, jerking around like spazz, my eyeballs look like I spent the night on a alcohol binge.

I keep thinking I'm just such a weenie and I couldn't even last 4 days. Now I'm probably back to square one and have to go through everything all over again. I just want to put a gun to my head.

I swear I cannot stand another night of laying there jerking around like a hooked fish and feeling the most intense indescrible discomfort I have ever had. There are no words for it. It's more than aches and pains. My legs are thrashing, nothing can touch my skin, sitting up doesn't help, laying down is worse. There is nothing that can distract me. I even tried to say the rosary.

The good news is the Immodium finally worked after 1 and 1/2 bottles. But that was minor compared to the night from hell. I'd gladly trade 6 hours straight on the toilet for that.

And what's up with this horrible depression? I just can't stop crying.

I'm such a freaking whimp loser junkie. Other people do this. I've seen them and talked to them during it and they were miserable but didn't whine on endlessly about it.

I live in an area of high addiction. Mostly oxycontin. Hillbilly heroin. I have many friends who are junkies. I'd say 98% have never made it. They've kicked CT but after a few weeks relapse. I can't even get through CT. What are the odds I'll stay off.

And if I even manage to make it through this, and I have no choice since I gave what morphine I had left away and only have about 5 Lortabs left, what will I do post surgery? Take Tylenol? I can't ever touch this ***** again. That much is obvious. Now, I'll have to level with the doctors. Who will probably, out of total misinformation, tell me it will be okay for a few days. But I know it won't.

Sorry for the incoherent ramble. At least I know that people here will not think I'm being some kind of drama queen. Or maybe I am. Maybe I'm just not as tough as I thought I was.

And tonight? Do I stay in the tub til my skin wrinkles up?

This morning, except for the depression, I feel a little better but that's probably becuase I still have the Lortabs in my system and when they wear off, I'll probably be back in wd hell again.

I'm not asking for words of encouragement. Just the truth. What's next on the wd agenda. I might just bag the whole thing.

One thing I didn't mention that is pertinent is that there are no rehabs or understanding doctors. The only treatment here for narcotic addiction is cold turkey. Unless I spend my last few dollars on illegal street drugs and attempt a taper. And I have no idea how to even do a taper.

Brenda1953