20th June 2004
Hi.
I was reading internet searches on how to kick my painkiller/tranquilizer habit,and I stumbled across this board.....it seems I'm definitely not alone.
I was just down the page reading "creeky's" post,and it was eerily similar to my own experience...giving them to my wife to hold,trying to taper off,running out early....I thought I typed it in my sleep.
I've been on Hydrocodone for about 5 years since a series of accidents in '98-00'(back surgery..and later, crushed under a wall that collapsed at work).I worked my dosage up from 1 and a half lortabs a day to the 7-8+ I take nowadays.They started making me have anxiety attacks so I added xanax about 2 years ago(to replace valium).I've been using restoril to sleep for about 7 or 8 years,though I've never driven the dose up or been an everynight user....I only used it for what it was prescribed for.
The odd thing is,I never used the Pain meds for pain....they never worked!!! I was in constant pain between '98 and '00 and was driven to the edge to where I often lay in bed contemplating (guiltily) suicide.....I have two beautiful sons and a wonderful wife.
I read Dr. John Sarno's "HEALING BACK PAIN" in 00' and was pain and med free in about 3 weeks!!!! ....I won't type the entire text of his method here,but you can search him on the web..
BUT......When I returned to work I found I HATED my job,felt like a horrible parent,and was trapped in a vice of pressure to support my family vs. what I really wanted to do in life(I've been a signed and unsigned musician/songwriter for most of my adult life)
...One day at work I discovered all those painkillers that didn't kill pain DID make the stupidity and infinite boredom of my job tolerable: sanding a floor as big as a football field: painting a wall four stories high: lugging water up a hill in 5 gallon buckets....a hundred of them......It became OK if I was on Lortab.
ALSO my workplace is infested with drugs,and I discovered I could grease the palms of supervisors and bosses with Vics and xanax to keep better jobs,or get hired in the firstplace.
So...five years later I'm totally addicted,have tried and failed to taper off and am ashamed to be living a big fat lie.
My Insurance will pay for a medical detox,and I've contacted one that will take me in.I don't know If I should try to sweat it out myself OR just go in.My families going on a vacation(without me) and If ever there was a time,I suppost this would be the best,but I'm really scared.
What if I can't stand the withdrawals? What if I get clean and find out I'm really incapable of doing my job? What if I am really a ****** parent,and was only patient with my kids because I was aenesthitized.My wife pointed out that during my addiction I ceased drinking,have been relatively stable,and stopped having anxiety attacks...I know she loves me,but I think she's as afraid of me kicking as I am.
Should I try to sweat it out myself.....I just can't keep going on like this.....I also have no one to talk to about it...all my friends are either users or unaware of my problem...I'm known as a hardworking driven obsessive type...this makes me feel like a failure and a LIAR!
any insights would be appreciated.
Thanks for your time
Baseball65
I was reading internet searches on how to kick my painkiller/tranquilizer habit,and I stumbled across this board.....it seems I'm definitely not alone.
I was just down the page reading "creeky's" post,and it was eerily similar to my own experience...giving them to my wife to hold,trying to taper off,running out early....I thought I typed it in my sleep.
I've been on Hydrocodone for about 5 years since a series of accidents in '98-00'(back surgery..and later, crushed under a wall that collapsed at work).I worked my dosage up from 1 and a half lortabs a day to the 7-8+ I take nowadays.They started making me have anxiety attacks so I added xanax about 2 years ago(to replace valium).I've been using restoril to sleep for about 7 or 8 years,though I've never driven the dose up or been an everynight user....I only used it for what it was prescribed for.
The odd thing is,I never used the Pain meds for pain....they never worked!!! I was in constant pain between '98 and '00 and was driven to the edge to where I often lay in bed contemplating (guiltily) suicide.....I have two beautiful sons and a wonderful wife.
I read Dr. John Sarno's "HEALING BACK PAIN" in 00' and was pain and med free in about 3 weeks!!!! ....I won't type the entire text of his method here,but you can search him on the web..
BUT......When I returned to work I found I HATED my job,felt like a horrible parent,and was trapped in a vice of pressure to support my family vs. what I really wanted to do in life(I've been a signed and unsigned musician/songwriter for most of my adult life)
...One day at work I discovered all those painkillers that didn't kill pain DID make the stupidity and infinite boredom of my job tolerable: sanding a floor as big as a football field: painting a wall four stories high: lugging water up a hill in 5 gallon buckets....a hundred of them......It became OK if I was on Lortab.
ALSO my workplace is infested with drugs,and I discovered I could grease the palms of supervisors and bosses with Vics and xanax to keep better jobs,or get hired in the firstplace.
So...five years later I'm totally addicted,have tried and failed to taper off and am ashamed to be living a big fat lie.
My Insurance will pay for a medical detox,and I've contacted one that will take me in.I don't know If I should try to sweat it out myself OR just go in.My families going on a vacation(without me) and If ever there was a time,I suppost this would be the best,but I'm really scared.
What if I can't stand the withdrawals? What if I get clean and find out I'm really incapable of doing my job? What if I am really a ****** parent,and was only patient with my kids because I was aenesthitized.My wife pointed out that during my addiction I ceased drinking,have been relatively stable,and stopped having anxiety attacks...I know she loves me,but I think she's as afraid of me kicking as I am.
Should I try to sweat it out myself.....I just can't keep going on like this.....I also have no one to talk to about it...all my friends are either users or unaware of my problem...I'm known as a hardworking driven obsessive type...this makes me feel like a failure and a LIAR!
any insights would be appreciated.
Thanks for your time
Baseball65