Thank you all for your kind words. I don't know if I want to quit. There are so many issues in my life I don't know where to begin. First and foremost I have a daughter with Down syndrome and her birth 16 years ago really spun my life upside down. I didn't want to keep her, I didn't want to have a child with a disability and I used to escape her. When I first got clean in 99 it took me a long time to accept her for who she is - I spent the first eight years of her life hating her. But I finally fell in love with her the way I should have a long time ago. I'm also bi-polar, suffer from panic disorder and get really bad panic attacks. I know why I relapsed the first time. I had been manic for about 4 months and when the mania left the depression set in. So I picked up and didn't tell anyone, not even my sponsor and I got more depressed holding the relapse in so I used again and again somehow thinking it would make me not depressed, but it did the complete opposite. The more I used - the more depresssed I got. when I finally had enough I told my sponsor and it was hard. I was ashamed and full of guilt and then I had to share it to the floor and I finally started feeling better b/c my friends still loved me and wanted me to stop. I pulled together about 100 days clean and the obsession came back - why? I am still trying to figure that out and in the meantime the obsession to use remains. So now I've really screwed up by starting an affair and I can't stop obsessing about using and this guy and it's a vicious cycle. My guilt is overwhelming and the only time I feel 'safe' is when I'm home. But I work and my husband is an over-the-road trucker and it's so easy to use when he's away. My kids don't have a clue to past because I've always hidden it from them. They I know I go to meetings but not what they are. I did contact my case manager and she's setting me up to see a therapist. I already see a phsyciatrist (sp?) I'm on lamictal, remeron, paxil and klonopin - but they don't help when I'm using. Drugs are a vicious cycle and I just want to control my using, unfortunately using is controlling me. It's like a bad relationship - you know you need to break up but don't for reasons unknown. I know I have to break up with my drug, but as the song goes .... breaking up is hard to do. SS