4th December 2003
Before I tell you what happened today, I should give yu some background on my situation. As part of my job, they sent me to a specialized training center in order to become fluent in French. This was a necessary thing in order to continue climbing the corporate ladder. I've been in a classroom with 6 other people since October 2002 and as you can imagine, being in a classroom 7.5 hours a day learning French is very painful.
Since last year, I've been down, thinking that it was because I wasn't in the office doing "real" work anymore while I was on training. To compound it I had a major depressive episode in August when the power went out and I was stuck by myself for 23 hours without anything to keep my mind occupied. During this period I analyzed myself into a corner about my ex and why she cheated on me more than once, and how she emotionally manipulated and abused me. For 2 days I was crawling in my skin as all I could think about were all the guys she slept with while she was telling me how much she loved me... Since then, I've been on Remeron, Effexor, Dexydrene and Wellbutrin (though not all at the same time).
I recently started taking Wellbutrin 3 weeks ago. In addition, after 3 months, my psychiatrist determined that the Effexor was probably the reason why I was so nauseous every morning to the point where I had to wait at least a half every morning for my stomach to settle down enough that I wouldn't puke my guts out. Last week, he told me to stop taking the Effexor, and for 6 days I was going through withdrawal. Now, this pretty much explains what has happened up to today.
After 3 weeks of Wellbutrin, I'm finally beginning to get to the point where I feel a little more motivated to do things. Unfortunately, my classmates have noticed two side effects: 1) increased hyperactivity (like constant nervous subconscious actions), and 2) over-focusing. Yesterday, in our small and intimate classroom, I started organizing my notes. Suddenly I got so engrossed by what I was doing that I started re-organizing 300 pages of notes. Needless to say, all of that paper rustling annoyed my classmates; I honestly didn't realize that it was that distracting, and for the first time in about 8 months, I was actually able to focus on something and feel excited doing it. To smooth things over, I asked them to please let me know when I'm doing something annoying.
Today, in the late afternoon, after 6 hours of having our grammar mercilessly corrected, I went to the computer in the front of our classroom and started to send some business related e-mails. It was during a break and I thought that I would have enough time to finish it; I was wrong. I was so engrossed with finishing that e-mail and sending it off that I didn't realize that the class had restarted behind me and that the noise of my typing was annoying them. One of my classmates (one of the three people there that knows that I have ADHD and that I'm on medication for it) got so annoyed that she threw a box of Kleenex over my head and against the wall in order to get my attention. After which, in front of everyone else, she explained how rude I was behaving; I honestly didn't register that the noise was that loud and at the time, all I could think about was finishing that damn letter.
Afterwards, she came to talk to me tell me that the others were getting kind of worried about me because I've been behaving "strangely" the last two weeks, and that I can't continue to use my ADHD as an "excuse", that I should show more respect to my fellow classmates. In retrospect, I can see how annoy it might have been but, I lost it when she told me to stop using my ADHD as an excuse. Excuse me, but, for the first time in 8 months I was able to focus on a task from beginning to end and feel good about doing it! That hurt... that hurt a lot...
Basically, we talked it out, and in the end, we were both kind of worried; I'm taking Wellbutrin and Dexydrene but to what end? My psychiatrist says that it will help me be more normal and feel good about myself. At this point, people are beginning to think that I'm acting a little distracted and bizarre. Personally, before this incident, I was beginning to feel about 60% of the way I used to before the French training. I just want to know what is "normal"? Does it mean that instead of having regular extreme swings from hyperfocus to complete burnout every year, that I will be somewhere in the middle? For those of you that have been receiving treatment for a while, could you please explain to me what it feels like to be normal because I've come to the realization that my perception of normal is so out of whack with reality that I wouldn't recognize it if it bit me on the ***.
I'm sorry for the long, whining post but, I'm tired, and I kind of need to know that after a while, I'll understand how the rest of the world gets through their days and be able to experience the same things as everyone else. I'd like to know that there are people here who lead normal lives where they don't stick out like a sore thumb, where they aren't the poster child for odd behaviour.
Since last year, I've been down, thinking that it was because I wasn't in the office doing "real" work anymore while I was on training. To compound it I had a major depressive episode in August when the power went out and I was stuck by myself for 23 hours without anything to keep my mind occupied. During this period I analyzed myself into a corner about my ex and why she cheated on me more than once, and how she emotionally manipulated and abused me. For 2 days I was crawling in my skin as all I could think about were all the guys she slept with while she was telling me how much she loved me... Since then, I've been on Remeron, Effexor, Dexydrene and Wellbutrin (though not all at the same time).
I recently started taking Wellbutrin 3 weeks ago. In addition, after 3 months, my psychiatrist determined that the Effexor was probably the reason why I was so nauseous every morning to the point where I had to wait at least a half every morning for my stomach to settle down enough that I wouldn't puke my guts out. Last week, he told me to stop taking the Effexor, and for 6 days I was going through withdrawal. Now, this pretty much explains what has happened up to today.
After 3 weeks of Wellbutrin, I'm finally beginning to get to the point where I feel a little more motivated to do things. Unfortunately, my classmates have noticed two side effects: 1) increased hyperactivity (like constant nervous subconscious actions), and 2) over-focusing. Yesterday, in our small and intimate classroom, I started organizing my notes. Suddenly I got so engrossed by what I was doing that I started re-organizing 300 pages of notes. Needless to say, all of that paper rustling annoyed my classmates; I honestly didn't realize that it was that distracting, and for the first time in about 8 months, I was actually able to focus on something and feel excited doing it. To smooth things over, I asked them to please let me know when I'm doing something annoying.
Today, in the late afternoon, after 6 hours of having our grammar mercilessly corrected, I went to the computer in the front of our classroom and started to send some business related e-mails. It was during a break and I thought that I would have enough time to finish it; I was wrong. I was so engrossed with finishing that e-mail and sending it off that I didn't realize that the class had restarted behind me and that the noise of my typing was annoying them. One of my classmates (one of the three people there that knows that I have ADHD and that I'm on medication for it) got so annoyed that she threw a box of Kleenex over my head and against the wall in order to get my attention. After which, in front of everyone else, she explained how rude I was behaving; I honestly didn't register that the noise was that loud and at the time, all I could think about was finishing that damn letter.
Afterwards, she came to talk to me tell me that the others were getting kind of worried about me because I've been behaving "strangely" the last two weeks, and that I can't continue to use my ADHD as an "excuse", that I should show more respect to my fellow classmates. In retrospect, I can see how annoy it might have been but, I lost it when she told me to stop using my ADHD as an excuse. Excuse me, but, for the first time in 8 months I was able to focus on a task from beginning to end and feel good about doing it! That hurt... that hurt a lot...
Basically, we talked it out, and in the end, we were both kind of worried; I'm taking Wellbutrin and Dexydrene but to what end? My psychiatrist says that it will help me be more normal and feel good about myself. At this point, people are beginning to think that I'm acting a little distracted and bizarre. Personally, before this incident, I was beginning to feel about 60% of the way I used to before the French training. I just want to know what is "normal"? Does it mean that instead of having regular extreme swings from hyperfocus to complete burnout every year, that I will be somewhere in the middle? For those of you that have been receiving treatment for a while, could you please explain to me what it feels like to be normal because I've come to the realization that my perception of normal is so out of whack with reality that I wouldn't recognize it if it bit me on the ***.
I'm sorry for the long, whining post but, I'm tired, and I kind of need to know that after a while, I'll understand how the rest of the world gets through their days and be able to experience the same things as everyone else. I'd like to know that there are people here who lead normal lives where they don't stick out like a sore thumb, where they aren't the poster child for odd behaviour.