Wow, I'm not really certain where to begin... I've been watching and reading for a while now (lurking, I believe, is the proper expression) and I think I'm finally ready to say something... these stories inspire me. I can't explain the emotion that takes over me constantly as I read one thread after another. I cry, I smile, I get goosebumps because some of your stories are so eerily similar to mine, I'm not alone, I'm not by myself in this, there are lot's of you out there that understand what this is like cuz you have been there too... So, here's my story...
I have been popping pills off and on for about 20 years. It started when I was 15 years old and my dr. put me on pain killers for bad cramps, at first they just eased the pain, eventually I realized that they eased all pain (emotional pain too...) same story over and over again- my biological mom was a drunk, dumped my brother and I when we were babies for the almighty beer (ps, I think my husband might be an alcoholic too, SIGH...) daddy saved us, saved our lives, and then he spent our teen years beating us, we were removed by the state shortly there after. Dad went to counseling and parenting classes, he's changed his life, it's very important for me to say that... he and I are good now, I've forgiven him and he's forgiven me, but... I still steal from him, from my mom too, and my brothers, and my husband and my friends- I steal thier pills. I hate myself for it (here comes the guilt and the shame...) but I don't seem to be able to stop...
I havn't taken anything since March 1st- I think the physical w/d's are over but my head is really messing with me. Would you believe that I have depression issues too? so, I'm really not sure if i'm doing this the right way or not, on thursday March 1st, I stopped taking all my med's, including prozac for depression, (I know this was dangerous, but I survived) premarin for hormone replacement therapy (remember the cramps that started this at 15? well, eventually it turned into endometriosis and after multiple trmt.s and surgeries, I finally had a hysterectomy, thus the HRT) and last but not least... oxycontin and oxycodone. guess where I got the oxy's? stole them from my brother who almost died in a horrible car accident and was sent home from the hospital on the magical little pills. I still crave them, really bad, and I could go to the doctor or back to my brothers house and get more but for some reason I've been able to stop myself, maybe it's this board... I'm finding strength here.
So, the short of it is, I'm so sick of pills running my life, I want control back, I'm determined for sure, but I'm terrified.
I have a precious daughter that I adore, and if I can't do this for me, I must do it for her. I love her more than anything in the world and I want her to be proud of me.
I'm committed to staying off the pills, I know it won't be easy but I'm sick to death of doing the same thing over and over again... popping pills, feeling great, running out of pills, realizing that what I'm doing is wrong, getting really sick, feeling better again, popping more pills, and starting all over again. sigh... it's enough.
Thanks for all your stories, they truly do inspire me, I think if I stay right here with all of you, I just might survive this.

:wave:

Welcome!! You are definitely not alone. I get out and walk every day and it has really helped me. I have also had a hysterectomy but I am still on my Premarin. I also take Lexapro for anxiety.

You are almost 1 month off of the pills- that is WONDERFUL!! Keep it up. Don't listen to your head when it is messing with you. Stay strong!!

I guess basicly I'm exhuasted. Seems to be a never ending search for the right answer... I try one thing and when it doesn't work, I try another... always to find myself at the same place everytime. Lost, frustrated, searching... for the right answer, again. sigh... I know your right about the hormone stuff, and that certainly doesn't help my recovery (massive mood swings, constant hot flashes and night sweats) I had a total abdominal hysterectomy. After many years of fighting endometriosis and a very difficult and complicated pregnancy I gave in and had the surgery. Just in time really, because in biopsy they found precancerous cells (later determined to be limited only to my uterus, thankfully) Gyn. doctor told me at the time that I would be on Premarin for the rest of my life (same doc mind you that sent me home w/ vicodin when I was only 15 and supplied endless refills for many years) again... sigh. Do you see how I kinda feel set up by the medical profession?... again, more hesitation regarding my appt. w/ addiction doctor. Trying desperately to remember that this doctor will be specifically trained in seeing past my b/s and attempts at manipulation so it will be different. right?... :confused: My attempt at accountability...
So, I made it through the weekend w/o going insane or popping pills. That's the most important thing, above all the confusion, I made it another day. Thanks for the support and encouragement. Take care.
OH! p.s. I mis-spoke when I said 'energy' stuff, they're actually called 'dietary supplements'. Basically a multi vitamin. and yes Michigan, please send the link. Wait, are we allowed to post links? I dont think so... can you tell me the name? Thanks for the input.

jkm,

Hey I finally got back to the computer and read your posts.
I think that you sound very smart and informed about your choices. That is definitely a good first step. I can only suggest that you keep researching your options and trying different things until you find what works for you. Its probably worth going to the appt. just to hear what they say, but I would strongly suggest you then make up your own mind about whats best for you.

My mom went through the same thing and for years she swore by her Premarin and other HRT's given by doctor. She eventually, for her own reasons, decided to go the natural route and take vitamins and supplements and eat healthy and exercise. She was terrified of this at first, but now swears she feels better than ever.

Just sharing the experience, but again, I strongly suggest you look into all of your choices and try different ways until you find whats right for you. Nobody else can tell you what will be right for you and your body. They may be able to give suggestions, and whatnot, but ultimately its your body and you must decide what is best for it.

I know that it is hard and confusing, but stay strong and positive and you will find the way thats right for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sending all the positive thoughts, strength, and hope I can!!!!!!!
Let me know if you need to talk.

Hugs,
Harmony