Thanks to all of you wonderful people that have continued to give me words of encouragement through my difficult time. Last night I could not sleep. It kept replaying through my mind the fact that my pain management doctor obviously has me pegged as a doctor-shopping addict.
Well, this afternoon, I called and went in to see him and talk this out. What transpired was beyond my wildest dreams.
I started out by explaining to him that any prescriptions prescribed by another doctor in the past year was by my PRIMARY care physician who had full disclosure on what meds the pain management doctor had me on. I told him how he had made me feel like a cheap street addict yesterday. He told me that was not his intention at all....he said he was simply bringing to my attention a report that my insurance company had sent him regarding the large number of narcotic prescriptions I have been given in the past year. He reassured me that he did not have the idea that I was doctor shopping.

Then the floodgated opened and I revealed to him EVERYTHING that I have been going through for the past 6 months: ie, waking up in the middle of the night in full withdrawls and needing to take pills to stop the horrible feelings. I told him that I have been getting breakthru withdrawls several times a day and that many times I take pills not for pain, but to ward off the withdrawls. I told him that I know I am addicted and want OFF all the narcotics.

He stopped me right there, and told me that he was also an addiction specialist. He said he hates how 90% of the population perceives chronic pain patients as addicts because they become physically dependent on narcotic medications. He told me that I am not addicted, but physically dependent. If I was addicted, I would be mentally desiring the pills and seeking a "high" all the time....which I do not do. (in fact, I never have gotten a high from the drugs I take).
He asked me why I have not come forward and talked to him about these issues before. I explained that I am terribly embarrassed by the situation, feeling very down on myself for becoming addicted and did not want to lose his trust, so I was trying to quit on my own.

I then revealed to him that I had planned a 2 week "vacation" starting next week to cold-turkey detox myself off of everything. He told me that it was foolish to put myself through that agony and then sat me down and worked up a very structured taper. He prescribed clonodine patches to help relieve any withdrawls I might feel with the taper, as well as phenergan for any nausea and Klonopin for the anxiety that results from withdrawl. This is all very structured and I will be in close communication with the doctor to help prevent me from slipping up and cheating.

I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I KNOW I can stick to this taper because I have committed to it with my doctor (as opposed to me just trying it on my own with no one else to deal with if I fail). The other meds prescribed to ease me through any withdrawls I may experience as the taper proceeds will help me overcome the biggest roadblock I experienced when trying to taper on my own. While trying to self-taper, I inevitably took more when I started feeling the old familiar withdrawls creeping in.

After I get tapered down, my doctor WANTS me to keep taking just 4 darvocet a day because I do have some serious spinal issues that he is working on getting fixed. It looks like I am facing some more out-patient non-invasive surgery to mend these messed up discs.

I am so happy tonight that I now have partnered completely and honestly with my doctor and he is helping me without making me feel bad about myself. I have feared for so long to come clean with him that he might cut me off and drop me as a patient.

I hope my experience might help anyone else out there who reads this that honesty with your doctor IS simply the BEST way. I know REACH will vouch for that:)

I know I will sleep much better tonight...

--Lou

Well, I looked for my thread to post a comment on how I am doing and found I had dropped out of sight to the second page.....I guess no one cares about lil ole coder anymore;)

Just kidding of course!:p Some rather interesting things have been happening since I went to my pain management doctor and gave FULL disclosure about my problem. Those familiar with my situation will recall that he has ordered a regimen of a structured taper using a clonidine patch to help with withdrawls and phenergan for nausea, as well as klonopin for anxiety while detoxing. Please don't beat me up by hopping on the "switching one addiction for another" bandwagon regarding the klonopin. This has been prescribed strictly for now while I go through the withdrawls and is NOT intended as a long-term form of treatment.

NOW, let me get on to my present situation and state of mind. SOMETHING has happened. I am not sure what, but I don't want it to change. (I honestly believe the clonidine patch is the "God-send"). I went to the pain management doctor on Wednesday (Feb 29) and poured out my heart and soul (it was hard to hold back from crying). I was a complete nervous basket-case after the doctor visit, and felt an intense "need" to "medicate" (duh....take more hydros and it will help, my mind told me). I immediately filled all the scripts he gave me (EXCEPT the hydro and darvocet which he has prescribed for my taper---5 days later I have still yet to fill the hydro script). I got in the car and nervously (frantically) tore open the clonidine patch and stuck it on my upper arm. Of course I felt nothing..no magic fairy popped out and made me feel wonderful. I took one klonopin tablet and went to work my evening shift at my job.
That first evening felt like every other day has been for eons....no different with the new meds and I still popped my darvocet (but NO hydros) on my normal 4-5 hour cycle to keep the chills and sweats at bay.
That night, I went to bed around midnight .....and then IT happened..... I didn't wake up until 9am. I have not had a single solid night's sleep in over a year. My normal regimen has been to wake up around 4 am in the thros of withdrawl (sweats, chills, nausea..etc) and I would be FORCED to take 2 hydros in the middle of the night just to feel "normal" and be able to go back to sleep. But not on this night. Even when I woke up at 9 am, I had NO feelings of withdrawls. I DID take my morning dose of 2 darvocets.

That was Thursday...Now, here it is 4 days later and I have only taken a total of FIVE darvocets today by 7pm (no hydros since last wednesday!)....and I know I could have gotten away with taking less today...but I am a bit scared of the withdrawl monster rearing its ugly head. With my planned taper, the doctor wants me to take 5 hydros and 4 darvocets a day for the first 2 weeks, then drop to 3 hydros and 4 darvocets a day for the next 2 weeks. I do not think I NEED that much!!!!! I think the clonidine patch is keeping all the nasty side effects at bay and I take a klonopin here and there when I feel anxiety creeping in. I feel that I should be following my doctor's planned regimen ....but WHY take a pill when my body is not "asking" for it???????

I am SOOOOO tempted to jump back on my original planned total detox beginning this Saturday, stopping all the narcotics cold turkey. I feel I have enough ammunition and support between the clonidine, klonopin, phenergan(which I havent taken at all yet) along with all the natural supplements I have started (from the home sample detox thread on this board----ie...vitamin b complex, mutivitamin, l-tyrosine, valerian root, st johns wort, 5-htp) to do this at a much more accelerated pace than the doctor has set up.

Heck, I haven't taken a hydro in over 5 days and feel great! My only conplaint is that I am SOOOOOOOOOO sleepy all the time. I took a 4 hour nap this afternoon. I think it could be my body catching up from nearly a year of living on 2-3 hours a night of fitful sleep. Some nights I never did fall asleep at all. I do notice a "fuzzy" feeling in my head, and my memory is really bad. This is likely due to the few klonopin I have taken since wednesday.

To wrap up this LOOOOOONG-winded post, I would love to get some feedback from my wonderful friends on this forum. Do you think it is wise for me to go ahead with my originally planned cold-turkey detox starting this weekend? (I DID take an extra week of "vacation time" from work to go this). Or, should I take the slow road and gradually taper? I just feel that it seems silly to take hydros complying with a taper when I don't "feel" that my body is screaming for them.

Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.


Hugs,
Lou