19th March 2006
Thanks for the advice and motivation. I am listening to that inner voice. I have this gutrenched feeling in my gut screaming at me to stop. I have only had 3 7.5s today. I had 4 yesterday and 4 the day before. Thats good, considering 4 days ago I was eating 15 a day.
When I was 22 I was taking 25 a day. Until I almost died. After that I was clean for 5 months, on Naltrexone. It wasnt really my first choice, I will get into that later though. Maybe.
I did ok today....well no not really I was a ****ing mess. I still am. But emotions aside, I did ok. I got up at 7 this morning with the baby. As soon as my feet hit the floor...they hurt. My whole body ached. Then about 20 minutes later the coughing started. It was so bad I threw up once. As soon and the diarrhea came, I took a 7.5. Thats was around 8:30. That held me over until 11. Then another at 3. I only have a percocet left. Me and My husband are spliiting it tomorrow. I will need to get some Immoduim AD or Phenergan. I have benadryl. Thats what they gave me in rehab once to help me with the withdrawals. It worked for some reason. I have neglected the extra fluid intake. I need to make note of that and drink more tomorrow. I am feeling physically ok. I read about the Thomas recpie before on this board. I cant do it though, cause xanax and/or clonodine knock me out, and I have to stay alert all day for the baby.....hence on of the reason I incresed my intake. Though I have to admit that I did take them while I was pregnant only 2-3 a day though. God that sounds SO aweful when I actually say it out loud.. How selfish am I? This has to stop. For him. I dont want to leave him for someone else to raise because I am an addict.
I will face this head on. With every fiber of me being this time. I dont feel like I have a choice any more. Like I said I have a new son, and my habit cost is exceeding that of my monthly income.
I know how it is, the withdrawals, the pain, the aches, the EASY way to get over it all.
I am scared though. I dont like to admit it. But Im scared. I just keep thinking about the road ahead. And the thought that if I dont quit, the road ahead might no be too much longer. I have already been handed too many get out of jail free cards. I feel like if I was to relapse again, there will be no hope. If I cant stop for my son and husband and to SAVE MY LIFE, then I am worthless.
Its not going to be fun at my house for the next few days with 2 long time drug users trying to make the hardest decision of their lives. The one that will keep them alive.
These pills have been who I am for almost 10 years. Its what I talk about all the time, Its what makes me happy, it motivates me to clean (since I am a compulsive neat freak.) Its what makes me feel like I can deal with anything. I know that the person that is hiding under this crap is a good person, and shes tired of being a pill junkie. She is ready to take on life....sober.
I am finally SO TIRED of waking up every day feeling like **** until I eat 4-5 pain pills. Then Im In a good mood, and I clean and play with the baby, and chat with friends on the phone. Right now, my phone is off the hook. I just want to do this. Alone. without the 2 cents of my friends. Who also think this would be in my best interest.
Hey, thanks again for listening, and caring, I appreciate it right now, more than you know.....
I am going to go....Intervention starts soon, I like that show. Imagine that
Thank tou
LK
When I was 22 I was taking 25 a day. Until I almost died. After that I was clean for 5 months, on Naltrexone. It wasnt really my first choice, I will get into that later though. Maybe.
I did ok today....well no not really I was a ****ing mess. I still am. But emotions aside, I did ok. I got up at 7 this morning with the baby. As soon as my feet hit the floor...they hurt. My whole body ached. Then about 20 minutes later the coughing started. It was so bad I threw up once. As soon and the diarrhea came, I took a 7.5. Thats was around 8:30. That held me over until 11. Then another at 3. I only have a percocet left. Me and My husband are spliiting it tomorrow. I will need to get some Immoduim AD or Phenergan. I have benadryl. Thats what they gave me in rehab once to help me with the withdrawals. It worked for some reason. I have neglected the extra fluid intake. I need to make note of that and drink more tomorrow. I am feeling physically ok. I read about the Thomas recpie before on this board. I cant do it though, cause xanax and/or clonodine knock me out, and I have to stay alert all day for the baby.....hence on of the reason I incresed my intake. Though I have to admit that I did take them while I was pregnant only 2-3 a day though. God that sounds SO aweful when I actually say it out loud.. How selfish am I? This has to stop. For him. I dont want to leave him for someone else to raise because I am an addict.
I will face this head on. With every fiber of me being this time. I dont feel like I have a choice any more. Like I said I have a new son, and my habit cost is exceeding that of my monthly income.
I know how it is, the withdrawals, the pain, the aches, the EASY way to get over it all.
I am scared though. I dont like to admit it. But Im scared. I just keep thinking about the road ahead. And the thought that if I dont quit, the road ahead might no be too much longer. I have already been handed too many get out of jail free cards. I feel like if I was to relapse again, there will be no hope. If I cant stop for my son and husband and to SAVE MY LIFE, then I am worthless.
Its not going to be fun at my house for the next few days with 2 long time drug users trying to make the hardest decision of their lives. The one that will keep them alive.
These pills have been who I am for almost 10 years. Its what I talk about all the time, Its what makes me happy, it motivates me to clean (since I am a compulsive neat freak.) Its what makes me feel like I can deal with anything. I know that the person that is hiding under this crap is a good person, and shes tired of being a pill junkie. She is ready to take on life....sober.
I am finally SO TIRED of waking up every day feeling like **** until I eat 4-5 pain pills. Then Im In a good mood, and I clean and play with the baby, and chat with friends on the phone. Right now, my phone is off the hook. I just want to do this. Alone. without the 2 cents of my friends. Who also think this would be in my best interest.
Hey, thanks again for listening, and caring, I appreciate it right now, more than you know.....
I am going to go....Intervention starts soon, I like that show. Imagine that
Thank tou
LK