1st December 2004
Hello to the wonderful people that have gave me the courage, by reading your posts, to tell my story for the first time.
This will probably be a very long post, but I hope there is somebody out there that will take the time to read it, give me advice, and pray for me. I will start from the beginning.
I am a 31 year old female, former Registered Nurse, current homemaker with a one year old son. I moved 500 miles from home to be with my wonderful husband four years ago. To many people, who look from the outside, it would seem as though I have the perfect life, perfect home, perfect husband and son, and a nearly perfect person. I was a R.N for 10 years in which I worked in Hospice, Home Health, then the nursing home. Now I have the occupation of Stay at home Mom and housewife. I like to call my title...Domestic Engineer. I am fortunate to have been able to stay at home to raise our son. We, are by no means wealthy, but live comfortably with my husband's blue collar job.
I know I am truly blessed to have the "American Dream", so how did I become dependant on hydrocodone? How does anybody become addicted? I now believe it just happens so innocently with no intent to become so dependant on such a monster. For ten years of nursing, I NEVER took any pain medication, was never even attempted, and judged the medical staff that did. I had, at my disposal, access (without suspicion) of what I now call the good stuff.....Hydrocodone, Morphine, Dilaudid, Demerol.
Now, here I am 12 years later, addicted to what I (shamefully now) judged non-sick people for taking. My story begins on Febuary 18, 2002 with my first Kidney Stone....which is one of the most painful experiences anybody can go through. But Oh that Morphine and Phenergan felt so good at the hospital. Even better, the Hydrocodones, that I could take at home when I wanted. To be completely honest, I am currently taking 3-4 10mg Hydros, just to feel normal. My medically supervised medicines that I am currently taking are: Lexapro 20 mg daily (depression), Wellbutrin XL daily (depression), HCTZ 25mg daily (diuretic to treat Kidney Stones), Urocit-K daily(Citrate to treat kidney stones). I also take Ambien 20mg every night due to insomnia that I have had since high school. That,of course, does not include the Hydrocodones that I secretly take every day. Today, December 1, was going to be the day that I quit them for good. Now, here I am, three Hydro's later, pouring my heart out, with hopes that somebody out there will listen and respond to my plee for help. I know this sounds so cliche', but outside Rehab is truly not an option for me. I have no one else here to take care of my 13 month old son (my in-laws are 80 and my parents live 500 miles away). Plus, as you all know, there is the shame and embarrassment that comes with seeking medical attention for Rehab. :o
You will be proud to know, that I have told my husband about the dependance, but of course, only told him that I take 2 a day. When really I take 3-4 a day to feel normal. He is so understanding, and was wonderful about me pouring my heart out. Since 2002, I have only been truly Hydrocodone free for two weeks in August. During my pregnancy, I passed 21 Kidney Stones, was in the hospital most of the time hooked up on Morphine or Dilaudid PCA pumps, then usually released home with prescriptions for Lorcet 7.5mg. Even once, they gave me Dilaudid 4mg to take home. Only because of the good Lord above, Have I got a healthy son. I currently pass the occasional kidney stone and have to go to the hospital to get the "good Stuff" because my body has grown such a tolerance to Hydros that they do not even help the pain of a true kidney stone. I have lied to my nephrologist every month, telling him that I pass a kidney stone once a week. That is, of course, to get the script for 60 Hydros. I see him December 23rd, and I am so ashamed, because I KNOW how doctors and nurses so easily judge people on pain medicine. Of course, I will not tell him the truth of my condition, but I do believe they are catching on to the routine.
I, now have, 20 pills left. I swore that today was going to be "The Day" that I freed myself of this addiction. Well, by 8:30 a.m, I took my first one. Now it is only noon, and I have taken the third. I usually maintain myself at 3 a day, but when I get that script, I do have a fun day and take about 7. Does anybody have any advice to help me get off of these? What is the best way...taper or cold turkey? Please keep in mind that I do have a one year old son to take care of during the day.
It is sad to say, but I feel like when I take these pills, that I am a better Mom and Wife. It gives me that great energy to play with the baby, cook the meals, AND get the house clean. I know that this is myself trying to justify what I am doing.
Here are my questions :confused: .....How bad is the addiction if I usually maintain at 3 a day? What will the withdrawls be like when I Do come off of these? What is the best way to do this? You know all the other questions that go with it. PLEASE somebody respond to this. I know that it has been long, and probably boring :o to most people, but I Know there has to be somebody out there that can give me advice.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. It has been therapeutic just to "put it out there". Thank you for all the brave people that have posted their stories, advice, and support. Because of you, I have been able to tell my story and ADMIT to myself that I have a problem. May God bless you all, and give you the strength to fight this awful disease. :angel:
With much love and RESPECT,
Desperate Mom
This will probably be a very long post, but I hope there is somebody out there that will take the time to read it, give me advice, and pray for me. I will start from the beginning.
I am a 31 year old female, former Registered Nurse, current homemaker with a one year old son. I moved 500 miles from home to be with my wonderful husband four years ago. To many people, who look from the outside, it would seem as though I have the perfect life, perfect home, perfect husband and son, and a nearly perfect person. I was a R.N for 10 years in which I worked in Hospice, Home Health, then the nursing home. Now I have the occupation of Stay at home Mom and housewife. I like to call my title...Domestic Engineer. I am fortunate to have been able to stay at home to raise our son. We, are by no means wealthy, but live comfortably with my husband's blue collar job.
I know I am truly blessed to have the "American Dream", so how did I become dependant on hydrocodone? How does anybody become addicted? I now believe it just happens so innocently with no intent to become so dependant on such a monster. For ten years of nursing, I NEVER took any pain medication, was never even attempted, and judged the medical staff that did. I had, at my disposal, access (without suspicion) of what I now call the good stuff.....Hydrocodone, Morphine, Dilaudid, Demerol.
Now, here I am 12 years later, addicted to what I (shamefully now) judged non-sick people for taking. My story begins on Febuary 18, 2002 with my first Kidney Stone....which is one of the most painful experiences anybody can go through. But Oh that Morphine and Phenergan felt so good at the hospital. Even better, the Hydrocodones, that I could take at home when I wanted. To be completely honest, I am currently taking 3-4 10mg Hydros, just to feel normal. My medically supervised medicines that I am currently taking are: Lexapro 20 mg daily (depression), Wellbutrin XL daily (depression), HCTZ 25mg daily (diuretic to treat Kidney Stones), Urocit-K daily(Citrate to treat kidney stones). I also take Ambien 20mg every night due to insomnia that I have had since high school. That,of course, does not include the Hydrocodones that I secretly take every day. Today, December 1, was going to be the day that I quit them for good. Now, here I am, three Hydro's later, pouring my heart out, with hopes that somebody out there will listen and respond to my plee for help. I know this sounds so cliche', but outside Rehab is truly not an option for me. I have no one else here to take care of my 13 month old son (my in-laws are 80 and my parents live 500 miles away). Plus, as you all know, there is the shame and embarrassment that comes with seeking medical attention for Rehab. :o
You will be proud to know, that I have told my husband about the dependance, but of course, only told him that I take 2 a day. When really I take 3-4 a day to feel normal. He is so understanding, and was wonderful about me pouring my heart out. Since 2002, I have only been truly Hydrocodone free for two weeks in August. During my pregnancy, I passed 21 Kidney Stones, was in the hospital most of the time hooked up on Morphine or Dilaudid PCA pumps, then usually released home with prescriptions for Lorcet 7.5mg. Even once, they gave me Dilaudid 4mg to take home. Only because of the good Lord above, Have I got a healthy son. I currently pass the occasional kidney stone and have to go to the hospital to get the "good Stuff" because my body has grown such a tolerance to Hydros that they do not even help the pain of a true kidney stone. I have lied to my nephrologist every month, telling him that I pass a kidney stone once a week. That is, of course, to get the script for 60 Hydros. I see him December 23rd, and I am so ashamed, because I KNOW how doctors and nurses so easily judge people on pain medicine. Of course, I will not tell him the truth of my condition, but I do believe they are catching on to the routine.
I, now have, 20 pills left. I swore that today was going to be "The Day" that I freed myself of this addiction. Well, by 8:30 a.m, I took my first one. Now it is only noon, and I have taken the third. I usually maintain myself at 3 a day, but when I get that script, I do have a fun day and take about 7. Does anybody have any advice to help me get off of these? What is the best way...taper or cold turkey? Please keep in mind that I do have a one year old son to take care of during the day.
It is sad to say, but I feel like when I take these pills, that I am a better Mom and Wife. It gives me that great energy to play with the baby, cook the meals, AND get the house clean. I know that this is myself trying to justify what I am doing.
Here are my questions :confused: .....How bad is the addiction if I usually maintain at 3 a day? What will the withdrawls be like when I Do come off of these? What is the best way to do this? You know all the other questions that go with it. PLEASE somebody respond to this. I know that it has been long, and probably boring :o to most people, but I Know there has to be somebody out there that can give me advice.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. It has been therapeutic just to "put it out there". Thank you for all the brave people that have posted their stories, advice, and support. Because of you, I have been able to tell my story and ADMIT to myself that I have a problem. May God bless you all, and give you the strength to fight this awful disease. :angel:
With much love and RESPECT,
Desperate Mom