26th October 2006
Well I will try to give a "short" introduction to give all the facts so you know and understand my situation.
I am 35. I have been "happily" married to the most wonderful man in the world for 17 years. We have 4 wonderful children. A 16year old daughter, 13year old son, 8year old son, and 10 year old son(deceased, another story for maybe another time). 2 older brothers, wonderful parents, christian family. In laws (husbands family) are another story all together.
All my life I have been sort of sickly. About 6 years ago things got really "sticky" though. I have had more surgeries than any person should have to undergo in 10 lifetimes. I have enough titanium holding me together that I should be the bionic woman. I have been on extremely strong narcotics for the last 6 years. (This is where the problem is coming...) I lost down to 80lbs about a year after starting the narcotics. I'm 5'4" and small framed so 80lbs wasn't too bad in my opinion. Of course the doctors were hollering anorexia and feeding tubes and didn't even take into consideration that the narcotics might have something to do with the weight problems. I've had intestinal surgeries so they thought that could be part of the problem. (All those years of med school and you'd think they would be a little smarter, reminds me of the joke, "What do you call someone who graduated last in their class from med school, Answer: Doctor" However, with that said, I do not blame my doctors for things I have done and allowed to happen.
Fast forward 6 years to the present. I have been on 75mcg fentanyl, 40mg oxycodone every 4 hours, 15mg morphine 2xday, neurontin 300mg 4xday, coumadin 7.5mg day, promethazine 4Xday, there are about 5 others, but they don't really have anything to do with the rest of my story.
Of course, I didn't immediately start out on this strengths of these medicines. I started pain management with a specialist. He started me on narcotics after a couple years of trying every other modality they could think of. None of that worked. I discussed with him on several occassions that I was worried about the narcotics and becoming addicted because of comments made by in laws. He reassured me that the narcotics were no different than the asthma meds or other meds I needed to live. I accepted his answers but in the back of my head I knew I had an addictive personality. My family had dealt with addiction to alcohol during my childhood. (My parents) They stopped drinking cold turkey and with the amounts they were consuming it was just a miracle from God that they were able to do that, and I do mean it was from God. That is where they drew thier strength. I do believe that addictive personalities are hereditary.
Slowly over the years I started using more of my meds than were prescribed. My doctor was giving me refills up to 10 days early. (I have excellent insurance through my husbands corporation and they don't question early refills, good thing too because these meds cost about 4 grand a month). I have taken as much as 600mg of oxy a day on top of the 75mcg of fentanyl and the other meds.... oh yeah I forgot to mention the SOMA. The more I think about it, it was when they changed my muscle relaxer to Soma that I started increasing the other meds without my doctors knowledge. My physical condition is pretty bad. I can barely walk 20 feet from my recliner to the guest bathroom without almost passing out. I have no muscle mass left. The doctors explained that the anorexia caused my body to start feeding on my muscle mass and organs for protein. Funny huh. Your body will actually eat itself. I am starting to have heart problems. My blood pressure is naturally extremely low which in itself causes organ problems. 80/40 is an average reading for me. I actually began preparing my family for my death. I knew it was imminent. I am so weak. There have been nights when I was scared to go to sleep because I just knew I wouldn't wake up. Then, oh my God, my sister in law whom I loved dearly (the only person in my husbands family that I could bond with. She was married to my husbands brother. Believe it or not we both dated him at the same time, until I found out about her. She loved him and I didn't have the same feelings toward him as she did. And to top it off, I "Really" liked her. I grew to love her as a sister in law. We had a bond that was unspeakeable and unbreakeable.) Last year, on the Monday after Thanksgiving, she called me that morning to tell me she didn't feel well. She had lung problems like me but it wasn't really that advanced or bad. No where near mine. I got a phone call around 2am Tuesday morning telling me she was gone. The ambulance had picked her up from her home and when they got there her oxygen levels were in the 70s. Not too bad cuz she had been in the 40's before and pulled back. Well with the oxygen the EMT's administered, she was back in the 90's. They decided to take her to a small local hospital just in case. She had been coughing up blood. (She never told us, we found the blood in the garbage can in her bedroom and on her pillows). The hospital staff decided to intubate her. Well they have to paralyze you to do that and they have about 2 minutes to get you intubated. (I know all about this...) The OD'd her on those paralytic meds and she had a massive heart attack. 34 years old, 2 beautiful children, the most wonderful friend, sister in law, mother, person you have ever met. This should not have happened. I was so angry with God and am still dealing with those issues. Why her, why not me? that type of thing.
I am 35. I have been "happily" married to the most wonderful man in the world for 17 years. We have 4 wonderful children. A 16year old daughter, 13year old son, 8year old son, and 10 year old son(deceased, another story for maybe another time). 2 older brothers, wonderful parents, christian family. In laws (husbands family) are another story all together.
All my life I have been sort of sickly. About 6 years ago things got really "sticky" though. I have had more surgeries than any person should have to undergo in 10 lifetimes. I have enough titanium holding me together that I should be the bionic woman. I have been on extremely strong narcotics for the last 6 years. (This is where the problem is coming...) I lost down to 80lbs about a year after starting the narcotics. I'm 5'4" and small framed so 80lbs wasn't too bad in my opinion. Of course the doctors were hollering anorexia and feeding tubes and didn't even take into consideration that the narcotics might have something to do with the weight problems. I've had intestinal surgeries so they thought that could be part of the problem. (All those years of med school and you'd think they would be a little smarter, reminds me of the joke, "What do you call someone who graduated last in their class from med school, Answer: Doctor" However, with that said, I do not blame my doctors for things I have done and allowed to happen.
Fast forward 6 years to the present. I have been on 75mcg fentanyl, 40mg oxycodone every 4 hours, 15mg morphine 2xday, neurontin 300mg 4xday, coumadin 7.5mg day, promethazine 4Xday, there are about 5 others, but they don't really have anything to do with the rest of my story.
Of course, I didn't immediately start out on this strengths of these medicines. I started pain management with a specialist. He started me on narcotics after a couple years of trying every other modality they could think of. None of that worked. I discussed with him on several occassions that I was worried about the narcotics and becoming addicted because of comments made by in laws. He reassured me that the narcotics were no different than the asthma meds or other meds I needed to live. I accepted his answers but in the back of my head I knew I had an addictive personality. My family had dealt with addiction to alcohol during my childhood. (My parents) They stopped drinking cold turkey and with the amounts they were consuming it was just a miracle from God that they were able to do that, and I do mean it was from God. That is where they drew thier strength. I do believe that addictive personalities are hereditary.
Slowly over the years I started using more of my meds than were prescribed. My doctor was giving me refills up to 10 days early. (I have excellent insurance through my husbands corporation and they don't question early refills, good thing too because these meds cost about 4 grand a month). I have taken as much as 600mg of oxy a day on top of the 75mcg of fentanyl and the other meds.... oh yeah I forgot to mention the SOMA. The more I think about it, it was when they changed my muscle relaxer to Soma that I started increasing the other meds without my doctors knowledge. My physical condition is pretty bad. I can barely walk 20 feet from my recliner to the guest bathroom without almost passing out. I have no muscle mass left. The doctors explained that the anorexia caused my body to start feeding on my muscle mass and organs for protein. Funny huh. Your body will actually eat itself. I am starting to have heart problems. My blood pressure is naturally extremely low which in itself causes organ problems. 80/40 is an average reading for me. I actually began preparing my family for my death. I knew it was imminent. I am so weak. There have been nights when I was scared to go to sleep because I just knew I wouldn't wake up. Then, oh my God, my sister in law whom I loved dearly (the only person in my husbands family that I could bond with. She was married to my husbands brother. Believe it or not we both dated him at the same time, until I found out about her. She loved him and I didn't have the same feelings toward him as she did. And to top it off, I "Really" liked her. I grew to love her as a sister in law. We had a bond that was unspeakeable and unbreakeable.) Last year, on the Monday after Thanksgiving, she called me that morning to tell me she didn't feel well. She had lung problems like me but it wasn't really that advanced or bad. No where near mine. I got a phone call around 2am Tuesday morning telling me she was gone. The ambulance had picked her up from her home and when they got there her oxygen levels were in the 70s. Not too bad cuz she had been in the 40's before and pulled back. Well with the oxygen the EMT's administered, she was back in the 90's. They decided to take her to a small local hospital just in case. She had been coughing up blood. (She never told us, we found the blood in the garbage can in her bedroom and on her pillows). The hospital staff decided to intubate her. Well they have to paralyze you to do that and they have about 2 minutes to get you intubated. (I know all about this...) The OD'd her on those paralytic meds and she had a massive heart attack. 34 years old, 2 beautiful children, the most wonderful friend, sister in law, mother, person you have ever met. This should not have happened. I was so angry with God and am still dealing with those issues. Why her, why not me? that type of thing.