Oh, yes, alcoholics all over the place in my family. I don't even like alcohol. It won't happen to me. Ha.

All the self-berating for this you are doing is the addict talking. She wants drugs. She will tell you anything to get them. (I've just recently learned to divide my thoughts into 2 people, sober Karen and addict, sounds a little crazy, but it's really helping me identify those thought processes). Anyway, addict is telling you that you are a liar and a horrible person. Addict wants you to think badly about yourself. Because strong, self-confident hollyday won't use. Addict wants you to obsess about how much you've hurt your finances. Addict wants you to be depressed. Addict wants you to think you can't get through the holidays without hydro. Addict wants you to beat yourself up and feel weak and crazy and small. Addict is the only one who wants you to feel this way and she is only doing it for one reason: to get you to take hydro.

I don't know obviously how bad your pain is, but it sounds like that ultram is digging up all those cravings again. It happens I think even if you don't get high off of it. Physically it makes sense. Ultram causes your opioid receptors to proliferate, just like opiates do. So in either case, you need more to get the same effect. And they're addictive. And more receptors means more craving. Isn't there some way for you to get off this stuff for pain management and take something else? Celebrex? Neurontin? I'm taking a low dose of a tricyclic antidepressant (nortriptyline) for neuropathic pain and it really helps. And if you don't have a problem w/ duragesic, what about that?

Oh Thank GOD you were up and felt moved to write to me - God Bless You, Karen! I felt like I was a half step from the edge and a strong wind would have blown me over. After reading your reply and crying hysterically for awhile, I actually feel a bit better and not so alone. ~ Thank you ~

Quote from sk777:

All the self-berating for this you are doing is the addict talking. She wants drugs. She will tell you anything to get them. (I've just recently learned to divide my thoughts into 2 people, sober Karen and addict .....

I really have never heard the struggle described this way but that is very helpful - especially since that is exactly how I feel: split personalities. One is the normal, fairly mentally healthy me, and the other is the out-of-control, obsessive, emotional crazy addict. Thanks for your description and how you handle those competing personalities. I will try hard to separate them just like you said.

Quote from sk777:

Isn't there some way for you to get off this stuff for pain management and take something else? Celebrex? Neurontin? I'm taking a low dose of a tricyclic antidepressant (nortriptyline) for neuropathic pain and it really helps. And if you don't have a problem w/ duragesic, what about that?

I have explored almost every pain relief option available - including western medicine, eastern medicine, naturopathic, homeopathic, accupuncture, electric shocks to the muscle (actually these were pretty helpful believe it or not) light therapy, deep meditation w/square breathing, yoga, and lots and lots of plant based treatments. At this point I would much prefer a more natural choice than laboratory made Rx meds, especially considering the condition my liver is probably in.

I stopped taking my anti-depressant months ago and besides having much more of an attitude problem :rolleyes: I'm adjusting pretty well - my physical pain doesn't seem any worse. I'm just bitchy. ;)

But just reading and talking has helped me feel more in control and I'm going to do like you said and keep your words in mind so I can pull myself together a little better the next time something crazy like this emotional roller coaster hits again.

I'm feeling a sense of calm that I haven't had in weeks (after leading up to the biggest meltdown I've had in months)! You don't know how much it helped just to know there was someone out there that understood how I felt. Thank you