13th January 2008
Hello,
I'm new to this forum but felt I had to finally open the door and share a few things. I don't want to be a sad sack, but I'm painted into an awful corner with seemingly no way out and have been thinking and feeling that the worst may be inevitable. I don't see a way out of my situation and the future looks very bleak, painful and without purpose other than to continue to suffer. I feel I've had about as much as I can take where suffering is concerned. I've hit my limit.
My name is Bradley. I am aged between 35 and 40, a white collar professional, and recently diagnosed with ADHD (6 months ago). I have a long history of acute depression starting back from around the age of 21. I suffer from paranoid delusions, sometimes for months on end without respite. I have also been diagnosed in the past with bi-polar type II and exhibit the classic manic state followed by a crushing, debilitating low, on top of an already depressed state. This can last for days. Depression and bi-polar are medicated with Edronax (8mg/day) and Valproate (300mg/day) respectively, the delusions with 6mg/day Risperidone. In the past - recent and distant - I medicated my ADHD and depression with stimulants. In each case control was eventually lost and pyhsical dependency followed. In the last major case it became so unmanegeable that I sought professional help. There is a physical record of my treatment and I was registered in a governent database at that time. The treatment helped significantly but did not end the dependency completely. With stimulants, I have the same response as an ADD child: I slow right down, unwind the tightly coiled spring inside me, relax, can focus and think clearly, am motivated, do not fall asleep (even as has happened in the most unlikely of places, e.g. driving on the freeway), am 99%free of depression, etc. I'm basically normal. Shortly after the dependency treament I went to see a psych, on advice from a friend who also happens to be a mental health nurse - she recognised my symptoms as ADHD. At the time, I didn't know exactly what I was suffering from, only what relieved it. My psych immediately prescribed dexamphetamine 5mg, 40mg/day. My life immediately stabilised, my symptoms were treated and I completely ceased the use of all other substances, as I genuinely didn't need them - the dexamphetamine in combination with an MAOI worked beautifully for me. I never once abused my medication, simply because it was just too important to me. I saved money, was happy, performed extremely well at work and even got into an intimate relationship, which I had not done for several years. I exercised regularly, went to the gym and looked after myself meticulously. I was doing extremely well and my doc was very happy with the effectiveness of the treatment and the effort I was putting in.
Then after having been treated in this way for about 6 months, the government committee that authorises S8 scripts reviewed my case and was alerted to the fact that I had previously been in substance treatment. I was forced to take a number of urinalysis tests and so on, all of which came back as expected. Despite this and letters from my psych, the committe de-authorised my dexamphetamine script and also precluded my use of methylphenidate, even in long acting form dispensed weekly. I went through a nighmarish withdrawl for about a week, fell back into the blackness of depression, became demotivated and unable to focus at work, wound up to the point of physically shaking and screaming and stopped looking after myself almost completely. Even several weeks after my last dose, all I could do seem to do was rest, slipping in and out of sleep, totally demotivated, disheartened and destroyed because I knew what was just around the corner for me. I eventually got to the point where I couldn't bear this anymore and started substituting, being my own doctor again. I again became dependent and have just fought my way through yet another painful withdrawl. By luck, I found a small quantity of my original script (about 5 days worth) which I had set aside to take to work (my dose was 25mg in the morning and 15mg at lunchtime). These few tablets have allowed me stabilise and quickly return back to a normal life, but they will run out in just a few days, even with the dose lowered to just 25mg/day. What then? Another withdrawl. Winding up mentally and emotionally to the point where I grind my teeth for hours, feel like I'm suffocating, watch the clock tick by at work, can't sit still, get distracted by the conversations of others around me, the delusions... It goes on and on. I am frightened because I am so exhausted from years of this - I'm too spent to keep struggling against something I can't beat without help.
The committee meets again this month and their decision to de-authorise my script will be challenged, but realistically its a long shot and I don't expect a positive outcome. I have tried Strattera and it simply doesn't work for me, even at 80mg/day. It makes me drowsy and gives me a feeling of numbness in the head. Its very difficult to concentrate and I generally want to sleep after taking it. I'm in a difficult situation and deep water is only a few days away. I can't see a way out. I'm withdrawn, depressed, angry that my treatment was stopped and with absolutely zero self esteem. I'm dreading this.
I don't know what anyone could do or say in this situation. It seems pretty much lost to me now and I'm not coping well with it at all. Its hard to see a silver lining or blessing in disguise...
Regards, Brad.
I'm new to this forum but felt I had to finally open the door and share a few things. I don't want to be a sad sack, but I'm painted into an awful corner with seemingly no way out and have been thinking and feeling that the worst may be inevitable. I don't see a way out of my situation and the future looks very bleak, painful and without purpose other than to continue to suffer. I feel I've had about as much as I can take where suffering is concerned. I've hit my limit.
My name is Bradley. I am aged between 35 and 40, a white collar professional, and recently diagnosed with ADHD (6 months ago). I have a long history of acute depression starting back from around the age of 21. I suffer from paranoid delusions, sometimes for months on end without respite. I have also been diagnosed in the past with bi-polar type II and exhibit the classic manic state followed by a crushing, debilitating low, on top of an already depressed state. This can last for days. Depression and bi-polar are medicated with Edronax (8mg/day) and Valproate (300mg/day) respectively, the delusions with 6mg/day Risperidone. In the past - recent and distant - I medicated my ADHD and depression with stimulants. In each case control was eventually lost and pyhsical dependency followed. In the last major case it became so unmanegeable that I sought professional help. There is a physical record of my treatment and I was registered in a governent database at that time. The treatment helped significantly but did not end the dependency completely. With stimulants, I have the same response as an ADD child: I slow right down, unwind the tightly coiled spring inside me, relax, can focus and think clearly, am motivated, do not fall asleep (even as has happened in the most unlikely of places, e.g. driving on the freeway), am 99%free of depression, etc. I'm basically normal. Shortly after the dependency treament I went to see a psych, on advice from a friend who also happens to be a mental health nurse - she recognised my symptoms as ADHD. At the time, I didn't know exactly what I was suffering from, only what relieved it. My psych immediately prescribed dexamphetamine 5mg, 40mg/day. My life immediately stabilised, my symptoms were treated and I completely ceased the use of all other substances, as I genuinely didn't need them - the dexamphetamine in combination with an MAOI worked beautifully for me. I never once abused my medication, simply because it was just too important to me. I saved money, was happy, performed extremely well at work and even got into an intimate relationship, which I had not done for several years. I exercised regularly, went to the gym and looked after myself meticulously. I was doing extremely well and my doc was very happy with the effectiveness of the treatment and the effort I was putting in.
Then after having been treated in this way for about 6 months, the government committee that authorises S8 scripts reviewed my case and was alerted to the fact that I had previously been in substance treatment. I was forced to take a number of urinalysis tests and so on, all of which came back as expected. Despite this and letters from my psych, the committe de-authorised my dexamphetamine script and also precluded my use of methylphenidate, even in long acting form dispensed weekly. I went through a nighmarish withdrawl for about a week, fell back into the blackness of depression, became demotivated and unable to focus at work, wound up to the point of physically shaking and screaming and stopped looking after myself almost completely. Even several weeks after my last dose, all I could do seem to do was rest, slipping in and out of sleep, totally demotivated, disheartened and destroyed because I knew what was just around the corner for me. I eventually got to the point where I couldn't bear this anymore and started substituting, being my own doctor again. I again became dependent and have just fought my way through yet another painful withdrawl. By luck, I found a small quantity of my original script (about 5 days worth) which I had set aside to take to work (my dose was 25mg in the morning and 15mg at lunchtime). These few tablets have allowed me stabilise and quickly return back to a normal life, but they will run out in just a few days, even with the dose lowered to just 25mg/day. What then? Another withdrawl. Winding up mentally and emotionally to the point where I grind my teeth for hours, feel like I'm suffocating, watch the clock tick by at work, can't sit still, get distracted by the conversations of others around me, the delusions... It goes on and on. I am frightened because I am so exhausted from years of this - I'm too spent to keep struggling against something I can't beat without help.
The committee meets again this month and their decision to de-authorise my script will be challenged, but realistically its a long shot and I don't expect a positive outcome. I have tried Strattera and it simply doesn't work for me, even at 80mg/day. It makes me drowsy and gives me a feeling of numbness in the head. Its very difficult to concentrate and I generally want to sleep after taking it. I'm in a difficult situation and deep water is only a few days away. I can't see a way out. I'm withdrawn, depressed, angry that my treatment was stopped and with absolutely zero self esteem. I'm dreading this.
I don't know what anyone could do or say in this situation. It seems pretty much lost to me now and I'm not coping well with it at all. Its hard to see a silver lining or blessing in disguise...
Regards, Brad.