6th October 2007
Hi All:
SPARKS: Thank you for responding.....even though it was a little blunt/harsh :) . I know i need to buckle down and stick to this. I want this so badly, but when we're in the throes of depression/anxiety, it is so easy to "forget" how badly we want it. Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that i want to try for a baby, i'd probably stay on a low dose of sub. for as long as i felt need be. But having a family has always been a dream of mine, and i'm willing to suffer to make that dream come true.
I know that most of you will be thinking "you shouldn't do it for a baby, u should be doing it for yourself"....but I feel like having this dream as a motivator, is helping me become a better person in every way. Since i have chronic DAILY headaches/migraines, and the sub. was helping with that as well as the cravings, i don't feel guilty for taking it or needing to be on it.
I've watched my Father suffer for 30 YEARS with constant head/migraines....and i've seen him in so much pain and at times talk of suicide just to get some break from it. And i have also experienced those feelings of wanting to end it bcuz i can't handle the constant pain, which makes u more fatigued, and more depressed. So i'm so thankful that he's found Sub. and is FINALLY for once in his 60 years on earth, able to function and live without taking 20 Vicoden a day, or even worse 3 IMITREX (when the MAX dose of that is 1 A WEEK!!!!!).
But i'm determined to make this work. As i said in my previous posts...i feel like i'm unable to accomplish anything i set out to do (whether that be a diet, or exercising, or getting clean). And i know that my Higher Power has a plan for me and it does not include suffering, or constant pain...so I have to keep the faith that He will carry me thru this.
REACHEY-BABY! I've missed you so much! I was so hoping that you'd read my post last night.....since i haven't seen you around much i didn't know if you'd read it.
Thank you for the continued support and hope!
I'm starting over today and plan on going right back to the 1.5mg. I decided to go back to my normal 20mg of Lexapro to see me thru this withdrawal and then i'd lower it to 10mg. So i took the 20mg last night and my hubby rented a really funny movie to lift my spirits. We laughed and laughed and by the end of the movie i felt like a new woman! Just reminds me that "this to shall pass" and i need to be more patient when i'm feeling depressed/anxious/angry and know that i'll move thru it. I've been making more of an effort to stop myself when i'm feeling really bad, and pray. And it is amazing to see how much more peace i feel when i'm not doing it ALL BY MYSELF. When i can reach out to God and ask him to carry me when i feel weak.
And for me, that's the most important piece of this puzzle i'm trying to fill.....re-establishing my relationship with Higher Power and working on my spiritual-health. Bcuz, FOR ME, when my spiritual health is lacking, everything else falls apart.
I'm trying to get my husband to be more involved with me on an emotional level. He's so high-energy and carefree, that it's hard for him to slow down and truely understand the feelings i'm going thru. We're complete opposites...although we have the same goals and dreams. But it's hard to lean on him when he's so ADD at times and just doesn't seem to be able to deal very well with stressful things. He just wants me to be better...and doesn't understand how this isn't a "quick fix". You'd think he'd understand completely, being a recovering addict himself (3yrs clean this month!!)...but he came off cocaine, and had barely any withdrawals. And has had NO issues staying clean or with cravings.
So i'm trying to get him to communicate better during this. I just don't want him to begin to resent me. He's good at not facing things and pushing them under the rug. I took out mine and his folder from each of our previous stay in rehab...and i'm going over the paper work and looking for things to highlight and remind him of how this takes time and how I need to heal.
Sorry to make this so long! I haven't talked to you in a while and wanted to update you. And next thing i know i've written a book!
Thanks again ReachABLE!!! I'm sending hugs and prayers your way:angel:
SPARKS: Thank you for responding.....even though it was a little blunt/harsh :) . I know i need to buckle down and stick to this. I want this so badly, but when we're in the throes of depression/anxiety, it is so easy to "forget" how badly we want it. Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that i want to try for a baby, i'd probably stay on a low dose of sub. for as long as i felt need be. But having a family has always been a dream of mine, and i'm willing to suffer to make that dream come true.
I know that most of you will be thinking "you shouldn't do it for a baby, u should be doing it for yourself"....but I feel like having this dream as a motivator, is helping me become a better person in every way. Since i have chronic DAILY headaches/migraines, and the sub. was helping with that as well as the cravings, i don't feel guilty for taking it or needing to be on it.
I've watched my Father suffer for 30 YEARS with constant head/migraines....and i've seen him in so much pain and at times talk of suicide just to get some break from it. And i have also experienced those feelings of wanting to end it bcuz i can't handle the constant pain, which makes u more fatigued, and more depressed. So i'm so thankful that he's found Sub. and is FINALLY for once in his 60 years on earth, able to function and live without taking 20 Vicoden a day, or even worse 3 IMITREX (when the MAX dose of that is 1 A WEEK!!!!!).
But i'm determined to make this work. As i said in my previous posts...i feel like i'm unable to accomplish anything i set out to do (whether that be a diet, or exercising, or getting clean). And i know that my Higher Power has a plan for me and it does not include suffering, or constant pain...so I have to keep the faith that He will carry me thru this.
REACHEY-BABY! I've missed you so much! I was so hoping that you'd read my post last night.....since i haven't seen you around much i didn't know if you'd read it.
Thank you for the continued support and hope!
I'm starting over today and plan on going right back to the 1.5mg. I decided to go back to my normal 20mg of Lexapro to see me thru this withdrawal and then i'd lower it to 10mg. So i took the 20mg last night and my hubby rented a really funny movie to lift my spirits. We laughed and laughed and by the end of the movie i felt like a new woman! Just reminds me that "this to shall pass" and i need to be more patient when i'm feeling depressed/anxious/angry and know that i'll move thru it. I've been making more of an effort to stop myself when i'm feeling really bad, and pray. And it is amazing to see how much more peace i feel when i'm not doing it ALL BY MYSELF. When i can reach out to God and ask him to carry me when i feel weak.
And for me, that's the most important piece of this puzzle i'm trying to fill.....re-establishing my relationship with Higher Power and working on my spiritual-health. Bcuz, FOR ME, when my spiritual health is lacking, everything else falls apart.
I'm trying to get my husband to be more involved with me on an emotional level. He's so high-energy and carefree, that it's hard for him to slow down and truely understand the feelings i'm going thru. We're complete opposites...although we have the same goals and dreams. But it's hard to lean on him when he's so ADD at times and just doesn't seem to be able to deal very well with stressful things. He just wants me to be better...and doesn't understand how this isn't a "quick fix". You'd think he'd understand completely, being a recovering addict himself (3yrs clean this month!!)...but he came off cocaine, and had barely any withdrawals. And has had NO issues staying clean or with cravings.
So i'm trying to get him to communicate better during this. I just don't want him to begin to resent me. He's good at not facing things and pushing them under the rug. I took out mine and his folder from each of our previous stay in rehab...and i'm going over the paper work and looking for things to highlight and remind him of how this takes time and how I need to heal.
Sorry to make this so long! I haven't talked to you in a while and wanted to update you. And next thing i know i've written a book!
Thanks again ReachABLE!!! I'm sending hugs and prayers your way:angel: