18th February 2005
Thank you all so much for the replies. I'm typing through many tears this morning - eacho of you hit me somewhere hard andf I needed it.
Wendy - your story makes me know that if someone with the kind of weight on their shoulders can do this than I can too. You are so brave and have given so much of yourself, no wonder you have turned to something for strength. We do see other go down the same road that we know ends in tragedy but we think we can somehow control it better, or just use it for this one difficult stretch of time - we won't get out of control like they did. All lies that little addiction voice whispers constantly to get us to use, I guess. I appreciate you telling me what you did. It certainly did paint an ugly picture of my childrens' lives without me in it - and I hadn't seen it that way before. I should know how horrible it is because my nephews mother is dead from overdose and their half sister who is 15 sometimes comes to stay with me. She talks about her mom all the time and she tells me how her step-mother tells her she is just like her (mom was an H addict and HIV+ when she died in the middle of the street a few years back.) This little girl talks about how her mom must be in hell and she tries so hard to emulate her mother's good points and fight the idea that she will end up jsut like her at the same time.
Oh Eileen - I can so relate to my kids pretending to take pills or saying mom needs pills for her headaches (I take Imitrex for my migraines but sometimes when I'd pop a Vicodin I'd tell her it was for my head). Or dragging them to the doctor's or pharmacy for hours at a time. I jsut kept thinking as soon as I have these pills I'll just be the best mom and make it all upn to them. WHy is this not enough to make us stop?? This disease or illness or craziness is just so strong.
Julzb - It helps to hear that I'm not the only one that has tried so many times. My doctor hasn't called back yet but when he does I really do plan on telling him.
Patty - you are so right - I do know what I want - and I'm fightliong to the death for the courage to do it. I came very close to telling my husband last night. He asked so many times what was wriong and what could he do to help me - I know he thinks he is doing something wrong -I try and tell him how very perfect he is but then in the next moment I'm bitching about something stupid. I know I have to tell him - I'm just SO FREAKIN ASHAMED. And I know he'll figure out the relaly ugly things - like that I take them from my sister or that I have faked pain to get pills. How ugly I might look to him then. I love this man so much - the very thought of him thinking badly of me makes me feel literally ill. I dreamt last night that he left me and I woke up even more afraid.
DV - we can do this together...right - you stay clean I'll stay clean? AQnd Jon - IO have gotten so far as to get directions to the nearest NA meetings - but then think about someone in my daughter's pre-school sittting next to me or just feeling crazy or out of place - I want to - but I'm afraid. A large part of me just hates the idea that I will have to put so much of my life into recovery - but I also know how stupid that sounds knowing how much of my life I've put into getting high.
thank you all again
This has helped me get through the morning so much and your stories have literally turned on light bulbs - I can do this....I have to. We can all do this.
Tori
Wendy - your story makes me know that if someone with the kind of weight on their shoulders can do this than I can too. You are so brave and have given so much of yourself, no wonder you have turned to something for strength. We do see other go down the same road that we know ends in tragedy but we think we can somehow control it better, or just use it for this one difficult stretch of time - we won't get out of control like they did. All lies that little addiction voice whispers constantly to get us to use, I guess. I appreciate you telling me what you did. It certainly did paint an ugly picture of my childrens' lives without me in it - and I hadn't seen it that way before. I should know how horrible it is because my nephews mother is dead from overdose and their half sister who is 15 sometimes comes to stay with me. She talks about her mom all the time and she tells me how her step-mother tells her she is just like her (mom was an H addict and HIV+ when she died in the middle of the street a few years back.) This little girl talks about how her mom must be in hell and she tries so hard to emulate her mother's good points and fight the idea that she will end up jsut like her at the same time.
Oh Eileen - I can so relate to my kids pretending to take pills or saying mom needs pills for her headaches (I take Imitrex for my migraines but sometimes when I'd pop a Vicodin I'd tell her it was for my head). Or dragging them to the doctor's or pharmacy for hours at a time. I jsut kept thinking as soon as I have these pills I'll just be the best mom and make it all upn to them. WHy is this not enough to make us stop?? This disease or illness or craziness is just so strong.
Julzb - It helps to hear that I'm not the only one that has tried so many times. My doctor hasn't called back yet but when he does I really do plan on telling him.
Patty - you are so right - I do know what I want - and I'm fightliong to the death for the courage to do it. I came very close to telling my husband last night. He asked so many times what was wriong and what could he do to help me - I know he thinks he is doing something wrong -I try and tell him how very perfect he is but then in the next moment I'm bitching about something stupid. I know I have to tell him - I'm just SO FREAKIN ASHAMED. And I know he'll figure out the relaly ugly things - like that I take them from my sister or that I have faked pain to get pills. How ugly I might look to him then. I love this man so much - the very thought of him thinking badly of me makes me feel literally ill. I dreamt last night that he left me and I woke up even more afraid.
DV - we can do this together...right - you stay clean I'll stay clean? AQnd Jon - IO have gotten so far as to get directions to the nearest NA meetings - but then think about someone in my daughter's pre-school sittting next to me or just feeling crazy or out of place - I want to - but I'm afraid. A large part of me just hates the idea that I will have to put so much of my life into recovery - but I also know how stupid that sounds knowing how much of my life I've put into getting high.
thank you all again
This has helped me get through the morning so much and your stories have literally turned on light bulbs - I can do this....I have to. We can all do this.
Tori