12th November 2004
As far back as I can remember, anxiety has been a huge part of my life. It has influenced every major decision and ultimately dictates most of them. I cant explain why I have such a abnormal level of anxiety whenever I try to take a big step in my life. I couldnt stay in college. I cant hold a public job. I couldnt date. I cant go to family events on holidays and birthdays. Cant spend time with my family. Can barely go to the store or to a movie. Whenever I try to enter a stressful situation, I cant seem to fight the anxiety. It just disables me completely, mentally and physically and just wont let go no matter how calm i try to mak emyself, how safe i try to make myself feel, how determined i try to be. Doesnt matter, it just wont let me.
For the last 6 months, I saved and planned a trip overseas to meet someone that I fell inlove with. I was never more determined and sure about something in my life. I wanted change in my life. I wanted to feel alive, I wanted to do this so bad. 6 months of saving, planning, being in a happy relationship. It all went down the drain a few days ago. The day before my flight, the anxiety took control over me. I tried to fight it, more than i ever had in my life. I was packing my clothes and it jus seems like the more i packed the worst it got. Every hour it just got worst and worst. I was doubled-over my desk feeling like someone was jus choking me trying to make me give in. And finally that night I did. I had to. I couldnt go even if I wanted to. The pain was too severe.
It was suppose to be the best day of my life and turned into the worst day in my life. All in one day I lost 1500 dollars on a plane ticket, lost all my dreams of a better life, and the girl i fell inlove with for the last 6 months. And I cant explain to her why.
For months Ive been trying to get help from doctors. But I think I realize now, noone can really help me. Doctors really dont care. I feel like I just am better off trying to make the best out of my life and adapt to my illness and cope best i can, if i can. Ive been on every SSRI there is. Ive taken only a few anti anxiety meds like buspar and hydroxyzine. Ive tried OTC stuff like valerian. Ive had counselors, cognitive behavior therapy, group therapy, even priests. Ive taken alot of things, researched and invested alot of time and money in it. In the last couple months I made appointments with 6 different psychiatric doctors, and they all basically said the same thing. They cant help me. I guess you have to be kicking and screaming and just bent out of shape for them to give you anything that is really effective. I guess its just the way I was made. And just have to live isolated like this forever.
You know, for years I beat myself up and blame myself for the way my life turned out. And I wanted to just beat myself up for not getting on that plane. But I cant anymore. I really cant sit here and fault myself. Its not a weakness in character. Its not about being strong and having fortitude. I have done everything I could possibly do. I just cant defeat it. I have no control over how I feel, or my emotions, or my thoughts. I have absolutely no control over a significant part of my brain. The part that dictates how I handle adversity and fear. Its not my fault.
It took everything from me. All my dreams. My goals. My life. Is there really no way to overcome it?
For the last 6 months, I saved and planned a trip overseas to meet someone that I fell inlove with. I was never more determined and sure about something in my life. I wanted change in my life. I wanted to feel alive, I wanted to do this so bad. 6 months of saving, planning, being in a happy relationship. It all went down the drain a few days ago. The day before my flight, the anxiety took control over me. I tried to fight it, more than i ever had in my life. I was packing my clothes and it jus seems like the more i packed the worst it got. Every hour it just got worst and worst. I was doubled-over my desk feeling like someone was jus choking me trying to make me give in. And finally that night I did. I had to. I couldnt go even if I wanted to. The pain was too severe.
It was suppose to be the best day of my life and turned into the worst day in my life. All in one day I lost 1500 dollars on a plane ticket, lost all my dreams of a better life, and the girl i fell inlove with for the last 6 months. And I cant explain to her why.
For months Ive been trying to get help from doctors. But I think I realize now, noone can really help me. Doctors really dont care. I feel like I just am better off trying to make the best out of my life and adapt to my illness and cope best i can, if i can. Ive been on every SSRI there is. Ive taken only a few anti anxiety meds like buspar and hydroxyzine. Ive tried OTC stuff like valerian. Ive had counselors, cognitive behavior therapy, group therapy, even priests. Ive taken alot of things, researched and invested alot of time and money in it. In the last couple months I made appointments with 6 different psychiatric doctors, and they all basically said the same thing. They cant help me. I guess you have to be kicking and screaming and just bent out of shape for them to give you anything that is really effective. I guess its just the way I was made. And just have to live isolated like this forever.
You know, for years I beat myself up and blame myself for the way my life turned out. And I wanted to just beat myself up for not getting on that plane. But I cant anymore. I really cant sit here and fault myself. Its not a weakness in character. Its not about being strong and having fortitude. I have done everything I could possibly do. I just cant defeat it. I have no control over how I feel, or my emotions, or my thoughts. I have absolutely no control over a significant part of my brain. The part that dictates how I handle adversity and fear. Its not my fault.
It took everything from me. All my dreams. My goals. My life. Is there really no way to overcome it?