23rd July 2008
Hi all-
I've been reading here for years, ever since I first suspected I had a problem. Registered a LONG time ago, too, so that I could search more efficiently. I cannot believe I'm posting now. Hopefully I'll find a few new answers as well as much needed support.
I abused alcohol in college. Sometimes I lost out on love because of it. But I was having fun. I thought I deserved the extra 'kid' time of alcohol and recreational drugs. I'd been way too much of a perfectionist as a real teen.
I started taking Zoloft in my mid-twenties. It turned me off to alcohol. Another contributing factor to sobriety was an ultimatum from the Big Love of My Life. I quit drinking and started counselling as well, but he still left. Heartbreak, abstinence (from drink, drugs, and sex), and getting my life together alone followed. For five long years.
I gained 75 pounds. I became socially anxious. I was numbed out and decided to quit the Zoloft. It was a long and surprisingly hard process (learned a lot on HB) but I quit it.
Lost 20 pounds in 6 months and that (among other things) motivated me to get my hands on phentermine for further weight loss. Phentermine made me look great quick. I was popping them like M&Ms for 2 years. Resulted in the loss of real work. Real relationships. Real etc. I was nuts on it and in denial big time.
Then I started feeling back and neck and hip and shoulder pain. I struggled for months, thinking that something was physically wrong with me and suspecting that I was doing it to myself with the speed.
I did online research. I saw a masseuse. I saw a chiro. I went to a doc. I got self-insured through an HMO.
I was honest. The docs all said they didn't think it was the speed. I weened myself from it. The PM doc gave me flexeril and low-dose hydro. After the low low low I'd felt from coming off the speed, as well as the lethargy I'd been feeling from frequent pain, I felt okay on the meds and THUS VALIDATED in my prescription use.
The pain started to escalate. That was more than 2 years ago. I saw a Neuro. She said I had Scoliosis, TMJ, and Myofascial Pain Syndrome. I had a battery of tests and specialists. MRIs showed bone spurs in my neck and bulging disks in my cervical spine. Pain Specialists and other Neuro's said I probably have Fibromyalgia.
I am in constant physical as well as psychological pain. I lost my HMO insurance (such as it was). I have been off of Norco 10/325 for 12 days. For good.
The Norco hadn't helped in so long anyway. I was always chasing it and hiding it and misusing it. It became clear a long time ago that I should give it up. Now I have to. No insurance. I am so f'ing frightened that I may be really sick or get really sick, but that's another story.
I'm done with the pain pills. Pain killers. What an evocative term. I have pain, but I am committed to finding out what my real level of pain is- sans meds. And I'm devoted to relieving it without narcotic medications.
I've voraciously read each of your "DAY 2" through "DAY 12" and beyond posts and suffered with you through your sleeplessness, your lethargy, your memory loss, your apathy, your conflict and resolve. Thank you for expressing your experiences. How could I have gotten through my day without knowing that at the very same time, someone else was having to get through the same obstacles to survival that I was?
Problem is: I'm drinking to ease the "transition." Every day, I wake up and look at the evidence. Empty wine bottles. Wine glass next to the bed. I go to work. And count the hours to "relief." I believe the wine eventually helps the pain.
Substituting. I know my problems. I just can't solve them.
PS my screen name is phoenix101. I know a well-known poster named Phoenix posts here often, and I tried to change my name, but couldn't. Nothing but respect, Phoenix. I initially wanted to call myself Phoenix From The Lame... :)
I've been reading here for years, ever since I first suspected I had a problem. Registered a LONG time ago, too, so that I could search more efficiently. I cannot believe I'm posting now. Hopefully I'll find a few new answers as well as much needed support.
I abused alcohol in college. Sometimes I lost out on love because of it. But I was having fun. I thought I deserved the extra 'kid' time of alcohol and recreational drugs. I'd been way too much of a perfectionist as a real teen.
I started taking Zoloft in my mid-twenties. It turned me off to alcohol. Another contributing factor to sobriety was an ultimatum from the Big Love of My Life. I quit drinking and started counselling as well, but he still left. Heartbreak, abstinence (from drink, drugs, and sex), and getting my life together alone followed. For five long years.
I gained 75 pounds. I became socially anxious. I was numbed out and decided to quit the Zoloft. It was a long and surprisingly hard process (learned a lot on HB) but I quit it.
Lost 20 pounds in 6 months and that (among other things) motivated me to get my hands on phentermine for further weight loss. Phentermine made me look great quick. I was popping them like M&Ms for 2 years. Resulted in the loss of real work. Real relationships. Real etc. I was nuts on it and in denial big time.
Then I started feeling back and neck and hip and shoulder pain. I struggled for months, thinking that something was physically wrong with me and suspecting that I was doing it to myself with the speed.
I did online research. I saw a masseuse. I saw a chiro. I went to a doc. I got self-insured through an HMO.
I was honest. The docs all said they didn't think it was the speed. I weened myself from it. The PM doc gave me flexeril and low-dose hydro. After the low low low I'd felt from coming off the speed, as well as the lethargy I'd been feeling from frequent pain, I felt okay on the meds and THUS VALIDATED in my prescription use.
The pain started to escalate. That was more than 2 years ago. I saw a Neuro. She said I had Scoliosis, TMJ, and Myofascial Pain Syndrome. I had a battery of tests and specialists. MRIs showed bone spurs in my neck and bulging disks in my cervical spine. Pain Specialists and other Neuro's said I probably have Fibromyalgia.
I am in constant physical as well as psychological pain. I lost my HMO insurance (such as it was). I have been off of Norco 10/325 for 12 days. For good.
The Norco hadn't helped in so long anyway. I was always chasing it and hiding it and misusing it. It became clear a long time ago that I should give it up. Now I have to. No insurance. I am so f'ing frightened that I may be really sick or get really sick, but that's another story.
I'm done with the pain pills. Pain killers. What an evocative term. I have pain, but I am committed to finding out what my real level of pain is- sans meds. And I'm devoted to relieving it without narcotic medications.
I've voraciously read each of your "DAY 2" through "DAY 12" and beyond posts and suffered with you through your sleeplessness, your lethargy, your memory loss, your apathy, your conflict and resolve. Thank you for expressing your experiences. How could I have gotten through my day without knowing that at the very same time, someone else was having to get through the same obstacles to survival that I was?
Problem is: I'm drinking to ease the "transition." Every day, I wake up and look at the evidence. Empty wine bottles. Wine glass next to the bed. I go to work. And count the hours to "relief." I believe the wine eventually helps the pain.
Substituting. I know my problems. I just can't solve them.
PS my screen name is phoenix101. I know a well-known poster named Phoenix posts here often, and I tried to change my name, but couldn't. Nothing but respect, Phoenix. I initially wanted to call myself Phoenix From The Lame... :)