24th February 2008
[COLOR="Red"]*I'm really sorry about the excessive length! If you're not interested in the background information, please just skip to the last 4 paragraphs*
I don't know for sure that I have ADD. I think I do, I've spent a good deal of time researching the symptoms, and too many of them fit me to be a coincidence.
A quick background. I'm currently 35 years old, working for $14 an hour at the local Home Depot. I was never diagnosed ADD as a child. Looking back, I see behaviour that I think is consistent with ADD, however. I was punished more than once at my elementary school for 'cheating,' which wasn't cheating, but careless mistakes in scoring my own work (I'd have to explain the school I was at, but yes, we scored much of our own work). I spent a lot of time daydreaming, sometimes wasting entire days just lost in my own imagination. In Jr. High and High School, I attended more conventional schools, and did from somewhat well to very poorly, depending on how much my attendance and homework was monitored by my teachers. I've never had much success with homework, generally only doing what I absolutely must, preferring to take marks of zero on my homework and making up the difference with excellent exam scores. Frankly, I think I was always too smart for my own good in school, because I was able to manage 'acceptable' scores (low B's to D's . . . only one F), and was always able to talk my way out of trouble over my attendance and homework deficiencies. In High School, I missed A LOT of classes.
My High School marks were sufficient to get me into the University Transfer program at a local community college, where I achieved sufficient marks to transfer to the local University. Since 1994, I've spent roughly 8 years off and on working on a Bachelor's Degree. Every semester, I promise myself I'm going to 'do it right this time,' and register for a full load of classes. I generally start out well, attending all my lectures, but seldom do any homework. About the time that the midterms roll around, I drop 1 or 2 classes, the ones I'm furthest behind in, and normally manage to do enough work to pull out B's and C's in the 2 or 3 classes that I retain. Obviously, this system is not constructive.
I always seem to succeed in low level, hourly wage style jobs where there is a lot of structure. I tend to work very hard in those situations, and am promoted quickly. At the supervisor level, however, the loss of structure kills my performance and my career stalls. I always manage to dress this up in subsequent interviews, but the truth is my performance in management roles is dismal.
I was always chubby as a kid, but since leaving high school, I've become outright obese. Again, I can often start a weight loss regimen, starting out motivated, even losing 70 pounds once (alas a drop in the bucket), but never maintain my motivation and stop doing what I know is the right thing.
The best way I can describe my inability to do homework, or eat right, or exercise is that there seems to be a disconnect in my mind between the 'now' and 'the big picture.' I can't seem to do what I know I need to do to get the results I want.
So . . . Last September, at the urging of my fiancee and my brother, I went to my family doctor and told him that I think I have ADD. My family doctor referred my to a psychologist that specializes in ADD, but as I'm a university student I decided to see if I could get an evaluation for free through the school (the psychologist would have been $160 a session, and I just didn't have it). The school eventually hooked me up with a goverment agency that, after various interviews, referred me to a psychologist for an assessment; ostensibly for ADD, but also, unknown to me, for depression.
The result of the assessment was that I may have the inattentive subset of ADD, but because there is no objective test for ADD, and I'd done research on it before the assessment, I likely inflated my self report. The assessment further noted that I am extremely depressed, and likely suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Because my IQ verbal and other untimed IQ scores were so high (116 through 125 for the various subsets) and I appear to have a good memory, it was determined that I do not suffer from a learning disability. My performance and timed scores were markedly worse, ranging from 84 to 90. My processing speed is apparently extremely slow, rated at the 7th grade level.
I accepted the results of the report, and started medication, both for ADD and for depression. As money continues to be an issue and because psychologists are not covered by the 'universal' health care where I live (Alberta, Canada), I've had difficulty finding counselling, though I continue to look for options.
My original treatment consisted of Celexa for the depression and Dexedrine for the ADD. I had a great deal of trouble sleeping in the first three weeks, and my doctor blamed the Dexedrine and switched me to Concerta. The Celexa, however, drove me into a depression that caused me to seriously consider killing myself; going so far as to plan it in detail and leave notes that I didn't want a funeral. At the urging of my fiancee though, I realized the seriousness of my situation and discontinued the Celexa, returning to my doctor who then prescribed Wellbutrin. I've been on something of a roller coaster on the Wellbutrin so far, but it's only been a month, and things seem to be levelling out somewhat, so I'm planning to reevaluated it after the 8 weeks that was recommended.
I feel that I had some positive results on the Concerta, but because my depression was so bad as a result of the Celexa, I didn't do much reading or studying at all to really evaluate things. I've since switched back to the Dexedrine, as again, money is difficult and there's a generic option for the Dexedrine where there isn't for the Concerta. I do find my ability to concentrate much improved, though still imperfect on the Dexedrine.
This leads me, finally, to my most recent and severe frustration . . . Because psychiatrists are covered through my health care, my family doctor referred me to one recently, in hopes of further evaluating my condition and perhaps helping me to find counselling, and I can honestly say that the frustrations that I've run up against until now pale against what 90 minutes with this 'doctor' were like!
He spent 90 minutes ignoring more or less everything I told him. He hadn't read the background info that my doctor had forwarded him, yet apparently knew enough to tell me that he feels that I'm suffering because I'm not willing to accept that I don't have the tools to succeed beyond my current level of success! The fact that I haven't already succeeded beyond where I'm at are a result of factor X, which is not ADD, and because it's not identifiable, I need to simply accept things, change my way of thinking and be happy. Even when I told him that if I can't progress to a level beyond where I'm at I'm ready to die (which is true), he insisted that I simply don't have the tools to do what I want to do. He used the analogy of a four foot tall man who wants to play professional basketball, it's simply not going to happen, so get over it. He then informed me that he'd recommend some other medications to my doctor that might help me deal with my lot in life.
I don't understand the closedmindedness that I'm running into in the psychological and psychiatric profession! I'm frustrated beyond belief, I've lost a virtually a full year of school due to the anxiety and depression that I've experienced leading up to and subsequent to my assessment, and I don't seem to be making any progress with treatment apart from the fact that I apparently now have the ability to get pretty much any medication I want.
I don't WANT a happy pill! I WANT someone to listen to me and to help me figure out what's standing in my way so I CAN succeed in life! I want someone to help me come up with a strategy to overcome whatever it is that's wrong with me, not just throw medication at me and tell me to deal with it.
Anyway, this latest incident has both strengthened my resolve and caused me to question myself. Always at the back of my mind are the all too familiar self recriminations . . . I'm just lazy, if I wanted it bad enough, I could just do it, I'm pathetic and indeed don't have the tools to become a more useful member of society (please don't tell me how great working in lumber at the Home Depot is, I can't think of a less relevant job . . . yes, I'm looking for something new, but likely won't find anything that's truly better). Right now I'm motivated because I'm angry, but I know that anger won't last forever. The biggest thing is, I agree that I've been a spectacular failure in life so far, but I know . . . I KNOW, that I have the intellect and ability to really do well, I just have to find a way around this disconnect or block in my brain.
Has anyone else had difficulty getting diagnosed as an adult? Should I simply make use of available resources online and do my best to treat myself, and forget trying for a diagnosis and 'professional' help? I guess I needed to vent a little and maybe I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not totally alone in this. I'm frustrated beyond belief right now . . . and I feel like I'm whining.
I don't know for sure that I have ADD. I think I do, I've spent a good deal of time researching the symptoms, and too many of them fit me to be a coincidence.
A quick background. I'm currently 35 years old, working for $14 an hour at the local Home Depot. I was never diagnosed ADD as a child. Looking back, I see behaviour that I think is consistent with ADD, however. I was punished more than once at my elementary school for 'cheating,' which wasn't cheating, but careless mistakes in scoring my own work (I'd have to explain the school I was at, but yes, we scored much of our own work). I spent a lot of time daydreaming, sometimes wasting entire days just lost in my own imagination. In Jr. High and High School, I attended more conventional schools, and did from somewhat well to very poorly, depending on how much my attendance and homework was monitored by my teachers. I've never had much success with homework, generally only doing what I absolutely must, preferring to take marks of zero on my homework and making up the difference with excellent exam scores. Frankly, I think I was always too smart for my own good in school, because I was able to manage 'acceptable' scores (low B's to D's . . . only one F), and was always able to talk my way out of trouble over my attendance and homework deficiencies. In High School, I missed A LOT of classes.
My High School marks were sufficient to get me into the University Transfer program at a local community college, where I achieved sufficient marks to transfer to the local University. Since 1994, I've spent roughly 8 years off and on working on a Bachelor's Degree. Every semester, I promise myself I'm going to 'do it right this time,' and register for a full load of classes. I generally start out well, attending all my lectures, but seldom do any homework. About the time that the midterms roll around, I drop 1 or 2 classes, the ones I'm furthest behind in, and normally manage to do enough work to pull out B's and C's in the 2 or 3 classes that I retain. Obviously, this system is not constructive.
I always seem to succeed in low level, hourly wage style jobs where there is a lot of structure. I tend to work very hard in those situations, and am promoted quickly. At the supervisor level, however, the loss of structure kills my performance and my career stalls. I always manage to dress this up in subsequent interviews, but the truth is my performance in management roles is dismal.
I was always chubby as a kid, but since leaving high school, I've become outright obese. Again, I can often start a weight loss regimen, starting out motivated, even losing 70 pounds once (alas a drop in the bucket), but never maintain my motivation and stop doing what I know is the right thing.
The best way I can describe my inability to do homework, or eat right, or exercise is that there seems to be a disconnect in my mind between the 'now' and 'the big picture.' I can't seem to do what I know I need to do to get the results I want.
So . . . Last September, at the urging of my fiancee and my brother, I went to my family doctor and told him that I think I have ADD. My family doctor referred my to a psychologist that specializes in ADD, but as I'm a university student I decided to see if I could get an evaluation for free through the school (the psychologist would have been $160 a session, and I just didn't have it). The school eventually hooked me up with a goverment agency that, after various interviews, referred me to a psychologist for an assessment; ostensibly for ADD, but also, unknown to me, for depression.
The result of the assessment was that I may have the inattentive subset of ADD, but because there is no objective test for ADD, and I'd done research on it before the assessment, I likely inflated my self report. The assessment further noted that I am extremely depressed, and likely suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Because my IQ verbal and other untimed IQ scores were so high (116 through 125 for the various subsets) and I appear to have a good memory, it was determined that I do not suffer from a learning disability. My performance and timed scores were markedly worse, ranging from 84 to 90. My processing speed is apparently extremely slow, rated at the 7th grade level.
I accepted the results of the report, and started medication, both for ADD and for depression. As money continues to be an issue and because psychologists are not covered by the 'universal' health care where I live (Alberta, Canada), I've had difficulty finding counselling, though I continue to look for options.
My original treatment consisted of Celexa for the depression and Dexedrine for the ADD. I had a great deal of trouble sleeping in the first three weeks, and my doctor blamed the Dexedrine and switched me to Concerta. The Celexa, however, drove me into a depression that caused me to seriously consider killing myself; going so far as to plan it in detail and leave notes that I didn't want a funeral. At the urging of my fiancee though, I realized the seriousness of my situation and discontinued the Celexa, returning to my doctor who then prescribed Wellbutrin. I've been on something of a roller coaster on the Wellbutrin so far, but it's only been a month, and things seem to be levelling out somewhat, so I'm planning to reevaluated it after the 8 weeks that was recommended.
I feel that I had some positive results on the Concerta, but because my depression was so bad as a result of the Celexa, I didn't do much reading or studying at all to really evaluate things. I've since switched back to the Dexedrine, as again, money is difficult and there's a generic option for the Dexedrine where there isn't for the Concerta. I do find my ability to concentrate much improved, though still imperfect on the Dexedrine.
This leads me, finally, to my most recent and severe frustration . . . Because psychiatrists are covered through my health care, my family doctor referred me to one recently, in hopes of further evaluating my condition and perhaps helping me to find counselling, and I can honestly say that the frustrations that I've run up against until now pale against what 90 minutes with this 'doctor' were like!
He spent 90 minutes ignoring more or less everything I told him. He hadn't read the background info that my doctor had forwarded him, yet apparently knew enough to tell me that he feels that I'm suffering because I'm not willing to accept that I don't have the tools to succeed beyond my current level of success! The fact that I haven't already succeeded beyond where I'm at are a result of factor X, which is not ADD, and because it's not identifiable, I need to simply accept things, change my way of thinking and be happy. Even when I told him that if I can't progress to a level beyond where I'm at I'm ready to die (which is true), he insisted that I simply don't have the tools to do what I want to do. He used the analogy of a four foot tall man who wants to play professional basketball, it's simply not going to happen, so get over it. He then informed me that he'd recommend some other medications to my doctor that might help me deal with my lot in life.
I don't understand the closedmindedness that I'm running into in the psychological and psychiatric profession! I'm frustrated beyond belief, I've lost a virtually a full year of school due to the anxiety and depression that I've experienced leading up to and subsequent to my assessment, and I don't seem to be making any progress with treatment apart from the fact that I apparently now have the ability to get pretty much any medication I want.
I don't WANT a happy pill! I WANT someone to listen to me and to help me figure out what's standing in my way so I CAN succeed in life! I want someone to help me come up with a strategy to overcome whatever it is that's wrong with me, not just throw medication at me and tell me to deal with it.
Anyway, this latest incident has both strengthened my resolve and caused me to question myself. Always at the back of my mind are the all too familiar self recriminations . . . I'm just lazy, if I wanted it bad enough, I could just do it, I'm pathetic and indeed don't have the tools to become a more useful member of society (please don't tell me how great working in lumber at the Home Depot is, I can't think of a less relevant job . . . yes, I'm looking for something new, but likely won't find anything that's truly better). Right now I'm motivated because I'm angry, but I know that anger won't last forever. The biggest thing is, I agree that I've been a spectacular failure in life so far, but I know . . . I KNOW, that I have the intellect and ability to really do well, I just have to find a way around this disconnect or block in my brain.
Has anyone else had difficulty getting diagnosed as an adult? Should I simply make use of available resources online and do my best to treat myself, and forget trying for a diagnosis and 'professional' help? I guess I needed to vent a little and maybe I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not totally alone in this. I'm frustrated beyond belief right now . . . and I feel like I'm whining.