26th February 2008
I apologize in advance for the anticipated length of this. Thanks, Nikki. Believe me, I wish I hadn't told anyone. I won't make that mistake at my next job.
I'm going to start looking for my next job, and thanks to being in HR, I have some pretty good contacts, including with temp agencies. Besides health insurance and sick time, I need a job that has some meaning. I like working with people.
The one thing I don't like about my job now is that I don't deal with the people my agency helps. I only deal with the employees, and sometimes I feel like a glorified baby sitter! It has its awards, but I miss helping the people directly. And fundraising, one of my major responsibilities, is not my thing. I may be okay at it, but there's not much passion in it for me.
I understand about people not judging us fairly, including husbands. Mine can be really great and I love him dearly, but he has his moments. When I was first diagnosed, and didn't know much about the disease at all, one of my biggest worries was that MS would make me dumb. When I asked my doc about that, he laughed (with me, not at me). He told me I'd have the same IQ but it could take a little longer to learn things, remember things, and find the right word. This has all been true for me. I'm not senile, but there are times when I notice I'm having cognitive challenges. In retrospect, this has been happening for a long time. I'm also very clumsy. But in no means has MS made me dumb!! My husband notices mistakes I make, and he always points it out to me. The thing you said about dropping a dish and husband calling you stupid--that's happened in my house too. Sometimes reading your posts feels like reading my diary!
On Saturdays when I'm sick from Avonex, I push myself, gently. There's always one more thing to do. I need to do that with my job situation without killing myself.
Another good argument for me to keep working is that it will be good for my mental health. I like being around people, helping people, listening to people, etc. This is my career for a reason, that's what I do. I'm not ready to stop yet. People and their stories fascinate me, and the more the merrier.
I have been so distracted lately from all the worldly things going on in my life, that I've lost sight of some important stuff, the stuff I'm passionate about. I'm sick of performing my job like a robot. I would like to finish my poor book that wants to be written. I miss being so excited about starting my day that I have butterflies in my stomach. I miss the overwhelming awe and serenity from meditation, and I miss feeding my birds. I miss taking pleasure in shopping, cooking, and gardening. I miss all my books, a whole roomful of them, just collecting dust.
It's amazing how many aspects of one's life MS affects. They are all small things that you don't think about or expect in the beginning. Sometimes I struggle just to be the person I was a year ago. It's easy for me to forget the things about myself that I liked, and it's hard to get that person back sometimes. I used to be so calm about everything, crises big and small, and I used to be a fighter! I need to get that stuff back before I get lost somewhere and learn the true meaning of regret.
I know this is a far cry from my original post about working, insurance, and money, but believe me, it's all connected. It's all about wanting to preserve my spirit and to do the things that I was put on this earth to do. I think the whole idea of my getting on Disability was just a path I saw to getting out of a way of life that I'm sick of. I honestly think that a new job and new people, with nobody knowing about MS, will put me on the right path again. Working will not be easy for me, no matter what kind of job I have. I guess I'm a little more ready for the challenge now than I was yesterday.
I'm going to start looking for my next job, and thanks to being in HR, I have some pretty good contacts, including with temp agencies. Besides health insurance and sick time, I need a job that has some meaning. I like working with people.
The one thing I don't like about my job now is that I don't deal with the people my agency helps. I only deal with the employees, and sometimes I feel like a glorified baby sitter! It has its awards, but I miss helping the people directly. And fundraising, one of my major responsibilities, is not my thing. I may be okay at it, but there's not much passion in it for me.
I understand about people not judging us fairly, including husbands. Mine can be really great and I love him dearly, but he has his moments. When I was first diagnosed, and didn't know much about the disease at all, one of my biggest worries was that MS would make me dumb. When I asked my doc about that, he laughed (with me, not at me). He told me I'd have the same IQ but it could take a little longer to learn things, remember things, and find the right word. This has all been true for me. I'm not senile, but there are times when I notice I'm having cognitive challenges. In retrospect, this has been happening for a long time. I'm also very clumsy. But in no means has MS made me dumb!! My husband notices mistakes I make, and he always points it out to me. The thing you said about dropping a dish and husband calling you stupid--that's happened in my house too. Sometimes reading your posts feels like reading my diary!
On Saturdays when I'm sick from Avonex, I push myself, gently. There's always one more thing to do. I need to do that with my job situation without killing myself.
Another good argument for me to keep working is that it will be good for my mental health. I like being around people, helping people, listening to people, etc. This is my career for a reason, that's what I do. I'm not ready to stop yet. People and their stories fascinate me, and the more the merrier.
I have been so distracted lately from all the worldly things going on in my life, that I've lost sight of some important stuff, the stuff I'm passionate about. I'm sick of performing my job like a robot. I would like to finish my poor book that wants to be written. I miss being so excited about starting my day that I have butterflies in my stomach. I miss the overwhelming awe and serenity from meditation, and I miss feeding my birds. I miss taking pleasure in shopping, cooking, and gardening. I miss all my books, a whole roomful of them, just collecting dust.
It's amazing how many aspects of one's life MS affects. They are all small things that you don't think about or expect in the beginning. Sometimes I struggle just to be the person I was a year ago. It's easy for me to forget the things about myself that I liked, and it's hard to get that person back sometimes. I used to be so calm about everything, crises big and small, and I used to be a fighter! I need to get that stuff back before I get lost somewhere and learn the true meaning of regret.
I know this is a far cry from my original post about working, insurance, and money, but believe me, it's all connected. It's all about wanting to preserve my spirit and to do the things that I was put on this earth to do. I think the whole idea of my getting on Disability was just a path I saw to getting out of a way of life that I'm sick of. I honestly think that a new job and new people, with nobody knowing about MS, will put me on the right path again. Working will not be easy for me, no matter what kind of job I have. I guess I'm a little more ready for the challenge now than I was yesterday.