19th February 2008
I haven't ever spoken a word of any of my past before so just admitting it all is a big step for me. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for the past year to help with anxiety and OCD (both definitely confirmed dxs). I have always suspected that I may be bipolar, too, though. I'm scared to admit all that has happened to me and maybe it's not as bad as I remember. Maybe if I type it all here it will be easier to tell my dr.
When I was 18 I left home. Just packed up my car, emptied my bank account (about $2000 at the time) drove to Niagara Falls (13 hour drive) and took a plane to Los Angeles, leaving my car at the airport with no intention of ever coming back. I was in Hollywood for about 6 weeks just walking around going from hotel to hotel. When I ran out of money I came home. I don't know what I was looking for when I went there, but I never found it.
When I was 20 I moved into an apartment with two friends to get away from my parents. That didn't work out and all I did was yell all the time. They were my best friends and I don't know why I yelled. We lasted 2 months together and I haven't seen them since. Again, I went back home.
A year later I got my own place and had the same job for about 5 years. I got into tattoos (I have 5) and met a guy who owned a tattoo shop down south and I went to live with him. Just packed up again, quit my job and moved in with him after only meeting him once and talking on the phone for about a month.
He beat the crap out of me and I stayed with him for 2 months. Then I got a large settlement from unemployment (about 4000 back pay) and I left him. I moved about 2 hours away and rented a home from his cousin. After sleeping my way through that town I left there about 2 months later. I don't know why I felt better sleeping around, but the thrill of being wanted made me feel better.
When I left there I took what money I had left, sold what belongings I could and lived out of my car for the next year. I met so many people along the way and travelled the whole country with my cat and dog in my car. I met the father of my son and lived with him for a year. I left when my son was one month old because his father did drugs and was an alcoholic. (I've never done drugs and only drink very occasionally). When I was pregnant with my son I was so depressed I tried to kill myself twice. The last time I was put in the psychiatric ward of a hospital for 2 weeks. I will never go back there again. I also suffered from severe postpartum depression. Not that would hurt my son, I just wanted to die all the time. I moved in AGAIN with my parents.
That went bad, AGAIN, and I moved out on my own, filed bankruptcy, and met my now husband. We have been together for the last 8 years. He takes care of my now 9 year old son and our 6 year old daughter and me. We have a pretty decent life together. He let me stay home with our kids until they were both in school full time. Now I have a job in the school system so that they don't have to be in daycare.
I should be so happy, but I'm getting antsy. I want to go somewhere. Move somewhere. I, of course, want to be with my family, but my husband will never move away while his elderly parents are still alive. He can't understand my need to get away. I would NEVER leave my kids. EVER! I just don't understand why I always feel the need to go and run away from my life. My son has Asperger's and my daughter had 5 febrile seizures when she was a baby and I'm still worried that something may happen to her. I worry constantly about my son's future and if he will be okay.
I take 1mg Xanax xr twice a day and after several attempts with different antidepressants, I now take 175 mf of Anafranil at night. (I was allergic to Lexapro, Prozac, and Zoloft).
I haven't told ANY of this to my psychiatrist and don't know what she would think. I have told her I thought I may be bipolar and she doesn't think so based on our conversations.
Can anyone help me? Am I bipolar or just crazy? I can't take feeling like this anymore. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I just feel better getting it all off my chest. Should I tell the psychiatrist my history?
When I was 18 I left home. Just packed up my car, emptied my bank account (about $2000 at the time) drove to Niagara Falls (13 hour drive) and took a plane to Los Angeles, leaving my car at the airport with no intention of ever coming back. I was in Hollywood for about 6 weeks just walking around going from hotel to hotel. When I ran out of money I came home. I don't know what I was looking for when I went there, but I never found it.
When I was 20 I moved into an apartment with two friends to get away from my parents. That didn't work out and all I did was yell all the time. They were my best friends and I don't know why I yelled. We lasted 2 months together and I haven't seen them since. Again, I went back home.
A year later I got my own place and had the same job for about 5 years. I got into tattoos (I have 5) and met a guy who owned a tattoo shop down south and I went to live with him. Just packed up again, quit my job and moved in with him after only meeting him once and talking on the phone for about a month.
He beat the crap out of me and I stayed with him for 2 months. Then I got a large settlement from unemployment (about 4000 back pay) and I left him. I moved about 2 hours away and rented a home from his cousin. After sleeping my way through that town I left there about 2 months later. I don't know why I felt better sleeping around, but the thrill of being wanted made me feel better.
When I left there I took what money I had left, sold what belongings I could and lived out of my car for the next year. I met so many people along the way and travelled the whole country with my cat and dog in my car. I met the father of my son and lived with him for a year. I left when my son was one month old because his father did drugs and was an alcoholic. (I've never done drugs and only drink very occasionally). When I was pregnant with my son I was so depressed I tried to kill myself twice. The last time I was put in the psychiatric ward of a hospital for 2 weeks. I will never go back there again. I also suffered from severe postpartum depression. Not that would hurt my son, I just wanted to die all the time. I moved in AGAIN with my parents.
That went bad, AGAIN, and I moved out on my own, filed bankruptcy, and met my now husband. We have been together for the last 8 years. He takes care of my now 9 year old son and our 6 year old daughter and me. We have a pretty decent life together. He let me stay home with our kids until they were both in school full time. Now I have a job in the school system so that they don't have to be in daycare.
I should be so happy, but I'm getting antsy. I want to go somewhere. Move somewhere. I, of course, want to be with my family, but my husband will never move away while his elderly parents are still alive. He can't understand my need to get away. I would NEVER leave my kids. EVER! I just don't understand why I always feel the need to go and run away from my life. My son has Asperger's and my daughter had 5 febrile seizures when she was a baby and I'm still worried that something may happen to her. I worry constantly about my son's future and if he will be okay.
I take 1mg Xanax xr twice a day and after several attempts with different antidepressants, I now take 175 mf of Anafranil at night. (I was allergic to Lexapro, Prozac, and Zoloft).
I haven't told ANY of this to my psychiatrist and don't know what she would think. I have told her I thought I may be bipolar and she doesn't think so based on our conversations.
Can anyone help me? Am I bipolar or just crazy? I can't take feeling like this anymore. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I just feel better getting it all off my chest. Should I tell the psychiatrist my history?