In short in 2000 I was in an accident that broke every bone in my head. It was repaired, but most of the skull has been replaced with other than what was there naturally. I have two plates that sit on each side of my nose that press on the sinus nerve. I was on pain management for years and quit 3 years ago. At the time I do not recall having any withdrawal even though I was on 30mg timed release morphine 3 times a day plus 3 600mcg actiq a day. I quite becuse the Dr decidied I had to quit my job or the drugs. I chose to quit the drugs. No problem. Then I got married. The pain that I was in on a daily basis was more than my wife could handle so I went back to a new pain Dr. I have had 13 pain blocks with no success. I have taken every neurological drug with no avail. So the Dr put me back on pain meds. We finally got to a point where she gave me enough to almost help. 90mg avinza a day, 2 10mg loratab a day, and 1 600 mg actiq a day. I say almost because I would always run short and get 15 to 30 extra loratab from somewhere. Then I tore my rotator cuff and had surgury. I had to take meds on top of those as it was very very painfull. I got over it and went back to normal. Then I tore my rotator cuff and bicep. Surgury again. More pain meds. And now I cant get back to normal meds. I decided to try switching to the fentynal patch to see if I could get by with out extra meds using that. The Dr is slowly lowering the morphine and raising the patch. I am now at 30mg Morphine, and a patch that delivers 25mcg an hour, plus the loratab and actiq. I am not better. I go through at least the part of every day needing more drugs. Tomorrow If I dont get some more drugs, extra drugs, I will be out until next thursday.

I dont like this. I dont like being on the drugs. I would rather not take them. But my wife wants me to keep trying to see if the pain Dr can get the meds to a level where I will be fine, but without the extra drugs. She worries about the extra drugs and says shes afraid I will become an addict. I told her I was an addict NOW. I told her that tomorrow instead of getting more drugs I should just stop, but she says no, while at the same time saying she wants me off the extra drugs. Well If I get drugs tomorrow they will be extra. Yes the Dr knows about the extra drugs under the disguise of sever shoulder pain. But honestly they are more to keep me out of withdrawal. My shoulder hurts, but Im not worried about my shoulder. I am lost and have no idea what to do.

Yes without the drugs I am in very very severe pain, but can function. I worked for 2 years without them. I guess I just wasnt fun to be around while in pain. The only other medical option is an experimental procedure where they drill a hole in my head and insert some sort of electrical wires in there for some reason. It is experimental, will never be approved in the USA according to the dr, and costs over $50,000. He cant even say it has a 1 percent chance of working. I dont know what to do.

The Crackedegg

Well I can tell you what I want. I want off the drugs. I really dont see how I can keep this up. I know that now while taking the meds I can do alot more than I can without them. I mean without them sometimes just going to the zoo on satarday with the kids was an ordeal for me. I was not supposed to live through the accident. I was told I would die. But I did make it. Then 9 months later I had an intercranial annurism. I was again lucky to live. Without the drugs I was able to work, yes it would get so bad that I would miss work every other month or so, but I made it. What I couldnt do was the fun stuff. But now I can only do these things in the small window that the drugs allow. I now I have a few hours everyday with the original pain along with the extra pain caused from withdrawal. To me this is worse. I love my wife, and kids and dont want to lose them. I lost my first wife after the accident because she couldnt live with me being in pain all the time. She left 2 months after the Dr took me off the pain meds. I am afraid that will happen again.

I know I am very addicted to the pain meds at least physically. I do not get high even with the very high doses of pain meds I am on because of the actual pain I am in. But when I take enough the pain does go away and I guess you could say I am addicted to being pain free. But I dont think it is worth it. Ive told my wife this, and she keeps telling me to hold on and see if the Pain Dr can get the meds adjusted to a point that I dont have ups and downs. The Dr's goal is to get to the point that I only need the patch and occasionly loratab. This next thurs she is supposed to go to 36mcg/hr of fentynal along with the actiq and loratab. If that doesnt work the next month she will increase the fentynal to 50mcg/hr. If I could just use the patch and be fine I could probably live with that. But I think I am always GOING TO NEED MORE. Which is the very definition of an addict. My worry is that when I get to that level coming off is going to be much harder than it would be say today. I have been on very high doses for almost 18months, but right now I am on moderate doses of the long acting drugs. So it is in my opinion better to stop now in case it doesnt work. Either way I just dont know. Every thing in me is telling me that I should stop, but everyone around me says to let the Dr keep trying. Surely someone else here has been in this same boat.

Thank You
The Crackedegg